Sarcastic Jokes

My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me.

When he did, I asked why he was ignoring me.

………………………………………………………………..

Your mind might want to dance,

but your body is a really awkward white guy.

………………………………………………………………..

 If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something bad Hear that?

It’s the sound of you not talking for once.

………………………………………………………………..

 Hi there, I’m human

 What are you?

………………………………………………………………..

If at first you don’t succeed,

blame someone else and seek counseling.

………………………………………………………………..

This obviously isn’t working out.

I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways and start making other people miserable.

………………………………………………………………..

If idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard..

If you see me laughing, it’s because I already have.

………………………………………………………………..

Why0 is it that everything you love is either unhealthy, addictive,

or has multiple restraining orders against you?

………………………………………………………………..

When I see ads on TV featuring smiley housewives using some new cleaning product,

the only thing I want to buy are the meds they’re clearly on.

………………………………………………………………..

Strong people don’t put others down.

They lift them up and slam them on the ground.

………………………………………………………………..

I always tell new hires, “Don’t think of me as your boss,

think of me as a friend who can fire you.”

………………………………………………………………..

 Why do people make end-of-the-world jokes like there’s no tomorrow?

………………………………………………………………..

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I got drunk.

………………………………………………………………..

 Those of you who think you know it all are really annoying to those of us who do.

………………………………………………………………..

 Please tell me this train of thought you’re on has a caboose.

………………………………………………………………..

Would you rather have a million bucks, or [insert name]’s head full of nickels?

………………………………………………………………..

 Masturbation is like procrastination—it’s all good fun until

you realize you’re just fucking yourself.

………………………………………………………………..

 I’m pretty sure I married someone else’s soulmate.

If only they’d come around and take him off my hands.

………………………………………………………………..

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you

how to get along without it since you’re not that bright.

………………………………………………………………..

 I’d be fine if there weren’t so much blood in my alcohol system.

………………………………………………………………..

Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face—

once you shove them down the stairs, that is.

………………………………………..

The sooner I shoot you, the sooner I’ll get out of jail for it.

Don’t assume that’s not a major incentive.

………………………………………..

 You might love your life, but I think it just wants to be friends.

………………………………………………………………..

Your opinion is very important to me. Please stay on the line until you hear the beep for voicemail.

………………………………………………………………..

So many freaks, so few circuses.

………………………………………………………………..

Oh, I didn’t tell you? Must be none of your business then.

………………………………………………………………..

 I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

………………………………………………………………..

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

………………………………………………………………..

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

………………………………………………………………..

A stressed-looking mom and little Johnny run around the beach.

After about fifteen minutes the mom stops, out of breath and demands, „Come on Johnny, please remember where you buried daddy in the sand, will you?“

………………………………………………………………..

A blind man with a guide dog comes to a town square, takes the dog by the tail and starts whirling him around.

„What on earth are you doing?!“ asks a passer-by. The blind man replies, „Nothing, just looking around a bit.“

………………………………………………………………..

Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?

Allahu Akbar my son. Allahu Akbar.

………………………………………………………………..

Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?

Patient: What condition?

………………………………………………………………..

A meeting of the “Castrated Anonymous”

High-pitched male voice: “Welcome. I hope you all arrived safe and sound.”

Deep male voice: “Yes.”

High-pitched male voice: “You in the second row, please leave the room right now.”

………………………………………………………………..

Why did Lisa fall of the swing?

Because she had no arms.

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Well, not Lisa, that’s for sure.

………………………………………………………………..

A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide.

“I’m sorry sir, but I can’t give you cyanide just like that.”

Without a word, the man takes out his wife’s photograph and holds it in front of him.

………………………………………………………………..

Doctor tells his patient, “I’m afraid you are going to die in a few hours. What is your last wish?”

Patient replies, “I need a good doctor.”

………………………………………………………………..

You’d think my son would be happy that daddy got him a brand new trampoline, but no, oh no.

He just sits there in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

………………………………………………………………..

Around 50% of our youth sees the future in a positive way.

The other half doesn’t have the money to buy the drugs.

………………………………………………………………..

Why have trips to England become so popular with Siamese twins?

It gives the other one a chance to drive a car, too.

………………………………………………………………..

What is the first thing they teach French soldiers in their basic military training?

How to surrender in five languages.

………………………………………………………………..

Man is asked at the hospital:

How tall are you?

5’8’’, doctor.

I’m very sorry, but I’m not the doctor. I’m the carpenter.

………………………………………………………………..

You’d think they’d be grateful at the blood donor clinic.

Not harass me with stupid questions like, “Where did this blood come from.”

………………………………………………………………..