Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. It’s scary when it disappears.
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?”
Me: “Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening.”
When somebody doesn’t get something:
I’m sorry, I have neither the patience, nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.
Redneck at the doctor: “Doc, I think I’m in trouble, I swallowed an ice cube 3 days ago and it ain’t come out yet.”
Little Johnny plays “shoot the apple from the head” with his friends. The first shot lands directly in his eye. “Ooowww man, you got me right in the eye!” he complains to his friend.
But the other friend also wants a go and persuades Johnny that he is a much better shot. But bingo, the second shot gets Johnny in the other eye.
Johnny gives up: “Well I’ve had it with this game, I’m going home. Mom said I should come back once it gets dark anyway.”
Dad, I’m hungry!”
“Oh hello Hungry, I’m Dad!”
“But I’m really hungry!”
“And I’m really Dad.”
A man drives deep into the forest to get rid of his cat. He lets her out at an abandoned place. After one hour he gets a phone call from his wife: “The cat is back.”
The man growls: “Ok, can you put her on, I got lost and need directions.”
My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.
I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.
Why do some fish live in salt water?
Because pepper water would make them sneeze!
I went on a date with a chess player to an Italian restaurant. With checkered table cloths. It took him maybe half an hour to pass the salt.
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
Yo mama is so fat she has to put a “Detour” sign around her neck when she goes out for a walk.
It is evening. Little Johnny and his friend are sitting by a camp fire.
They’ve been plagued by swarms of mosquitoes already for an hour and the assault only worsens when the darkness sets in.
Suddenly, fireflies appear. Little Johnny swears: “These darn mosquitoes! Now they’ve even brought lanterns with them to find us!“
A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, “Doctor, I believe I’m a deck of cards!”
The doctor calmly replies, “Go sit in the waiting room, please, I’ll be dealing with you later.”
A man farts unintentionally but loudly at a party. Another man looks absolutely scandalized and says, “How dare you fart before my sister?!”
The farter looks replies, “I’m sorry – I wasn’t aware it was her turn…”
Do you need to keep a blonde girl busy for days? Give her a paper with “please turn over” written on both sides.
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
Canoe help me with my homework?