Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”
Little Johnny’s preschool class went on a field trip to the firestation. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: “Does anyone know what this is?”
Little Johnny’s hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Johnny replied: “That’s how Mommy knows supper is ready!”
Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
Eating popcorn – 95% during the trailers, 5% during the movie.
Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
A: To a disc-o.
Q: What’s the difference between a museum and a Mr. Methane act?
A: One has artifacts, the other does farty acts.
Q: What do you call a cat who likes to eat beans?
A: Puss n Toots.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
Q: What do you call “fart” in German?
A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, “Looking for a guy that won’t beat me, won’t run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.”
Three days later, there’s a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there’s a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. “Dear Amy,” he says, “I have no arms so I couldn’t even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can’t run away on you. I’m your guy.”
“That’s very nice,” says Amy, surprised, “but how will you be able to satisfy me?”
His smile widens, “You did hear the knocking, didn’t you?”
She: “Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on.”
He: “But sweetheart, I don’t wear any glasses.”
She: “True, but I do.”
Q: Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A: Classical conditioning.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo?
Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
She can’t find the eleven.
A man walks by a blonde, who is holding a pig. The man asks, “Where did you get her?” The pig answers, “I won her at the fair.”
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
Just how many aliens do you know?
What’s the difference between an Arab an ET?
ET went home!
Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, “Disneyland Left”. So they started crying and went home.
A termite walks into a bar and says, “Where is the bar tender?”
Why did the donut visit the dentist?
To get a new filling.
“Name me five different animals, Johnny.”
“The dog, the dog’s brother, the dog’s sister, the dog’s cousin and the dog’s aunt.”
What would you get if you crossed a vampire with a dwarf?
A creature that sucks blood from your knees.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Hear about the new car invented in Israel? Not only will it stop AND turn on a dime, it will go back and pick it up.
A priest and a rabbi were walking down the street and see a 12 year old boy. The priest says, “Lets go fuck him.” The rabbi says, “Out of what?”
I got really angry with my sat nav today. I even yelled at it to go to hell. 20 minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.
My wife told me she needs more space. I said no problem and locked her out of the house
Yo mama is so fat that Weight Watchers said I give up.
yo momas so stupid when thieves broke into her house and stole the TV she chased after them shouting ”wait you forgot the remote”.
What’s the most popular season to buy a trampoline?
Why did the girl drop a pumpkin off a roof?
Because she wanted SQUASH
Little Johnny was late for school. The teacher asked him why, and Little Johnny explained it was because he met a man who had lost his wallet on the street.
“Ah,” nodded the teacher, “you were helping him find it!”
“Um, not really,” said Johnny, “but I had to keep standing on it until he would give up and go away.”
Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”
Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!”
Little Johnny is relieved, “OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven’t done my homework.”
Q: What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
A: The NBA.
Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?”
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”
What’s the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
Teacher tells Maia, “Name me three African animals.”
Maia: “One lion and two giraffes.”
Girl – “Do your socks have holes in them?” Boy – “No” Girl – “Then how did you get your feet in?”
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
Broken Pencil who.
Never mind it’s pointless!
A man sits in a restaurant and cries. The waiter comes and asks what happened.
The man replies: “My wife told me that she wouldn’t talk to me for a month.”
The waiter replies, “Oh no, that’s horrible!”
Man: “Yes!!! (Sobs) Today that month is over.”
How do you get an Arab woman pregnant?
– Cum all over her feet and let the flies do the rest!