A husband and wife were chatting with friends when the subject of marriage counselling was raised.
The husband said:
“Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship. She has a communications degree and I have a degree in theatre arts. She communicates really well and I just act like I’m listening.”
Wooden pegs and hooks are really expensive these days. –
They cost an arm and a leg.
Why don’t you be the numerator and I be the denominator and both of us reduce to simplest form?
Q: Why did the girl feel warm on her birthday?
A: Because people kept toasting her.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side.
One friend to another:
Why are you giving me an apricot?
I heard there’s no way you can get a date.
What is the tallest piece of furniture?
The bookcase. It’s got the most stories.
One twin to the other: “You are ugly.”
Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID. It always says “B
Excuse me, may I disturb you shortly?
Of course, what is it?
Nothing, I just wanted to disturb you.
Why are pigs not allowed to ride bikes?
Because they lack the thumbs to ring the bell.
My friend was planning to get a Labrador. Is he mad?! Hasn’t he seen how many of their owners go blind?!”
What’s black, red, black, red, black, red?
A zebra with a sun burn.
Man to a butcher: “I’d like bull’s testicles.”
Butcher: “So would I”
Q: How do you make seven an even number?
A: Take the s out!
Q: Why do Asians hate football?
A: Because they spend 13 hours a day making them.
Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.
Q: How do you stop a Mexican tank?
A: Shoot the people pushing it.
Q: Why do black people smell? A: So blind people can hate them too.
Why do Canadian’s do it doggystyle? So they can both watch the hockey game.
Q: Why don’t Black people take free cruises?
A: Because they aren’t falling for that one again.
A Mexican, a Cuban, and a Chinese guy are riding in a truck. Who’s driving? Immigration.
Q: Do you know who was the first black guy to admit he is the father?
A: Darth Vader.
Q: Why do Chinese people have Chinese babies?
A: Because two Wongs don’t make a white.
Q: What did the girl ocean say to the boy ocean when he asked her out on a date?
Q: What did the man say when he walked into a bar?
Q: Why did Santa go to music school?
A: So he could improve his wrapping skills
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: They use a honey comb
Q: What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A: Pork Chop
Q: How does the ocean say hello?
A: It waves
Q: What did one eye say to the other?
A: Between you and me something smells.
Q: What kind of key can never unlock a door?
A: A monkey
Q: Why did they quit giving tests at the zoo?
A: Because it was full of cheetahs
Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: It had a blue tooth.
A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.
Why were the Stars Wars released in the sequence of 4,5,6,1,2,3?
Because they were directed by Yoda.
Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.
Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.
They say money doesn’t bring you happiness. Still, it is better to verify things for yourself.
Two fortune tellers meet. First one says, “We’re going to have a hot summer again.” The second one sighs happily: “Yes, it reminds me of the summer in 2092…”
Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?
Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.
Two men are discussing their lives. One says, “I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear.”The other one says, “Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons.”
What is brown, small, and smells of caramel?
A diabetic who’s been struck by lightning.
Waiter: “Yes, sir, we are very up to date. Everything here is cooked by electricity.”
Diner: “I wonder if you would mind giving this steak another shock?”
Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
Do not let your mind wander too much. It is too small for you to let it out alone.
Dental-Chair Revelation: Once you have your mouth open, dentists lose the ability to ask questions with a simple yes or no answer.
Come over to the dark side…we’ve got candy.
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.
Any of us has the capacity to light up a room. Some when they enter, others when they leave it.
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.