New Funny One Liners

  •  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
  •  If you’re going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!
  •  What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
  •  I love oral sex…it’s the phone bill I hate
  •  If I’d shot you sooner, I’d be out of jail by now
  •  Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?
  •  If you can’t convince them, confuse them
  •  Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with % fewer letters!
  • I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me
  •  The human brain is a wonderful thing It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public
  •  Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”
  •  Children seldom misquote you In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said
  •  We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police
  • Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers
  •  The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss
  •  There are no winners in life…only survivors
  •  When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
  •  My drinking team has a bowling problem
  • TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically
  •  You are depriving some poor village of its idiot
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization
  • What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus
  • Circumcision is popular because Jewish girls won’t touch anything that’s not at least % off
  •  Children: You spend the first years of their life teaching them to walk and talk Then you spend the next years telling them to sit down and shut-up
  •  Don’t steal That’s the government’s job
  •  We have enough gun control What we need is idiot control
  • Don’t miss: A Google Street View Murder Prank
  •  Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
  •  Knowledge is power, and power corrupts So study hard and be evil
  •  Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once
  •  If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger …
  •  You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you’re like, ‘Fuck it – just grab a pile of shit We’ll get a bag at the airport’
  •  Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so
  •  You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him
  •  Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words
  •  Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture
  •  The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty
  • Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it
  • Hedgehogs, eh? Why can’t they just share the hedge?
  •  How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it
  •  I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
  •  Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters
  •  You’re never too old to learn something stupid
  • My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof
  •  I am not a vegetarian because I love animals I am a vegetarian because I hate plants
  • People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now
  •  I intend to live forever So far, so good
  •  Be safety conscious % of people are caused by accidents
  •  Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR” What’s my mother going to do?
  • I’ve spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no-one will do it
  •  If the number pencil is the most popular, why is it still number ?
  •  The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was
  •  This isn’t an office It’s hell with fluorescent lighting
  •  The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth
  •  Always borrow money from a pessimist He won’t expect it back
  •  Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot
  • Math Teacher: “If I have bottles in one hand and in the other hand, what do I have?” Student: “A drinking problem”
  •  Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”
  •  We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly minutes per hour
  •  The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room
  •  The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it
  • If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ
  •  Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig
  •  A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good
  •  The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste
  •  For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction
  •  I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot
  • My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture I have a hunch, it might be me
  • Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy
  •  Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off
  •  Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs
  • My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly “we need to talk”
  • Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool I gave him a glass of water
  • I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since
  •  Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them
  •  It’s so simple to be wise Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it
  •  I don’t have an attitude problem You have a perception problem
  •  I read recipes the same way I read science fiction I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen”
  •  If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  •  No one is listening until you fart
  • Say what you want about deaf people
  •  I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you
  • Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot
  •  Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes
  •  It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living
  •  – The neighbour of the beast
  •  If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
  • Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do
  •  I don’t have an attitude; I have a personality you can’t handle
  •  Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice
  • On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you tonight?
  •  Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  •  I used to be indecisive Now I’m not sure
  •  It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose
  •  Trust but verify
  •  I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me
  •  You do not need a parachute to skydive You only need a parachute to skydive twice
  •  What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
  •  When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water
  •  Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins
  •  If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between “shit” and “syphilis”
  •  A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer
  •  Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween
  •  Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
  •  Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent
  •  If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong
  •  If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
  •  A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized
  •  Insanity is hereditary You get it from your kids
  •  Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted
  • I’m not saying your perfume is too strong I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here
  •  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
  •  The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
  •  Crowded elevators smell different to midgets
  • Just read that , , people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
  •  Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button
  •  Having sex is like playing bridge If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand
  •  Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
  • One liner tags: alcohol, rude, school
  •  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy
  • I like to hold hands at the movies which always seems to startle strangers
  • When a woman says “what?” It’s not because she didn’t hear you She’s just giving you a chance to change what you said
  •  If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
  •  A fine is a tax for doing wrong A tax is a fine for doing well
  •  By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong
  •  True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable
  • Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician
  •  The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  •  There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you
  •  You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket… I’d miss you heaps and think of you often
  •  Your gene pool could use a little chlorine
  •  War does not determine who is right – only who is left
  •  The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette
  •  The Miss Universe pageant is fixed All the winners are from Earth
  •  The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common “enemy”
  •  Materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter
  •  Do not argue with an idiot He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience
  • My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him
  •  I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time
  •  Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
  •  The easiest job in the world has to be coroner Surgery on dead people What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse
  •  When in doubt, mumble
  •  My wife ran off with my best friend last week I miss him!
  •  George Washington said “We would have a black president when pigs fly!”… well, swine flu
  •  What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…” A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”
  •  It’s not the bullet that kills you, it’s the hole
  • I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right
  • I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust
  •  Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo
  •  Accept it Your parents HAVE had sex before
  •  Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here”
  •  I’m in shape Round is a shape isn’t it
  •  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
  •  If out of people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
  • You won’t drink away the alcoholism
  •  Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate
  •  If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining
  •  Silence doesn’t mean your sexual performance left her speechless
  • My friend keeps trying to convince me that he’s a compulsive liar but I don’t believe him
  •  It’s bad luck to be superstitious
  •  Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
  •  Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it
  • God grades on the cross, not the curve
  •  A hard thing about a business is minding your own
  •  If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before
  • Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything
  •  Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it
  • When wearing a bikini, women reveal % of their body men are so polite they only look at the covered parts
  •  When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
  •  Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that
  •  See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time
  •  I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face” I said, “You’ll be sorry” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well”
  •  Everything is edible, some things are only edible once
  •  Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life
  •  It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end
  • What’s the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink
  • To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet – you can hide, but you can’t run
  •  The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense
  • One liner tags: death, family, health, puns, sarcastic
  •  The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously
  • When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people
  •  We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true
  •  Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and for Miss America?
  •  Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
  •  The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted
  •  The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action
  •  Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
  •  America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote
  • As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought “Dogs are easily amused”, then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail
  •  I think, therefore I’m single
  •  Deja Vu – When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends
  •  Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity
  •  A bus station is where a bus stops A train station is where a train stops On my desk, I have a work station
  •  Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again
  • Where there’s a will, there’s a relative
  •  Some people hear voices Some see invisible people Others have no imagination whatsoever
  •  A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying”
  •  Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art
  •  By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game
  • My wife told me sex is better on holiday that wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive
  • The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”
  • Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes
  •  Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet
  •  Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them” I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise
  •  Strangers have the best candy
  •  You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead
  • My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy so I got drunk
  •  If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn’t anything in the store is free yet?
  •  I bet you I could stop gambling
  •  If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages
  •  If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation
  •  IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got
  •  Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt
  •  Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment
  •  Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  •  Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head
  • I’m not insulting you I’m describing you
  •  I ran three miles today Finally I said, “Lady take your purse”
  •  Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable…like a coma
  •  Women should not have children after Really… children are enough
  • PMS jokes are not funny or appropriate Period!
  •  If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments
  •  I don’t suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it
  • I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain
  • Check out: This quadcopter is made out of chocolate
  •  It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it
  •  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing
  •  I sometimes go to my own little world, but that’s okay, they know me there
  •  Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends
  • I changed my password to “incorrect” So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”
  •  What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  •  If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer…oh wait, he does
  •  How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  •  I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away
  •  Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed
  •  To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential
  •  Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’
  •  Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast
  •  A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste
  • I tried to explain to my -year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he’s still making fun of me
  •  I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila
  •  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
  •  Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t
  •  I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
  •  Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies
  •  Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others
  •  I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs
  •  A friend is someone who will help you move A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body
  •  A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip
  •  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow Do not walk beside me either Just pretty much leave me the hell alone
  •  Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new
  •  My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right
  •  Most women don’t know where to look when they’re eating a banana
  • A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic So she gets a divorce
  •  Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce him
  •  A committee is twelve men doing the work of one
  •  Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
  •  You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
  •  My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch
  •  I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
  • I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer I saw it through my telescope last night
  •  Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results
  •  They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck
  •  You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg
  •  If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants
  •  Sex is not the answer Sex is the question “Yes” is the answer
  •  Worrying works! % of the things I worry about never happen
  •  The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire
  •  Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children
  • I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick She still isn’t talking to me
  •  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism To steal from many is research
  •  My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion He said okay, you’re ugly too
  • Never lick the spoon
  •  Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
  •  The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn
  •  Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness
  •  Haikus are easy But sometimes they don’t make sense Refrigerator
  •  Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
  •  Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off
  •  It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper
  •  Well aren’t you a waste of two billion years of evolution
  • I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home all the signs were there
  •  Without ME, it’s just AWESO
  • I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves
  • What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang? A boomerang comes back
  •  Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now
  •  If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
  • Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner
  •  To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target
  •  People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves
  •  Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies
  • I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born
  • I like older men because they’ve gotten used to life’s disappointments Which means they’re ready for me
  •  Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
  •  Laugh and the world laughs with you Snore and you sleep alone
  • One liner tags: attitude, communication, life, political, sarcastic
  •  Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso
  • A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it
  • Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect
  • My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair Guess who came crawling back
  •  in people in the world are Chinese There are people in my family, so it must be one of them It’s either my mum or my dad Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu But I think it’s Colin
  •  Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver
  •  You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going
  •  I like work It fascinates me I sit and look at it for hours
  •  The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble
  •  When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?
  •  I don’t have a solution, but I do admire the problem
  •  Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!
  •  If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane
  • It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally
  •  Some cause happiness wherever they go Others whenever they go
  •  Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: “There’s a naked person outside!”
  •  Never test the depth of the water with both feet
  • You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back what you’ve lost is a pigeon
  •  Only dead fish go with the flow
  •  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
  •  I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by : pm today
  •  The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you
  •  There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading The ones who learn by observation And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot
  •  If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  •  At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t The trouble is, they are usually married to each other
  •  If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!
  •  Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be
  •  I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen
  • RIP boiled water You will be mist
  •  We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die
  •  With a calendar, your days are numbered
  •  Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things
  • Velcro – what a rip-off!
  •  The farther away the future is, the better it looks
  •  With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine
  • Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting
  •  Squirrels – nature’s speed bumps
  •  The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money
  • I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap
  •  Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children
  • If God is your co-pilot – swap seats
  •  Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
  •  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public
  •  A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it
  •  Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface
  •  Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye
  •  Clinton lied A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is
  •  Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries
  •  I’m a humble person, really I’m actually much greater than I think I am
  • I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind
  •  The only difference between the people I’ve dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him
  •  God must love stupid people He made SO many
  •  Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly
  •  Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think
  •  I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals
  •  A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it
  •  The last thing I want to do is hurt you But it’s still on the list
  •  He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame
  •  Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools So far, I think nature is winning
  •  I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me
  •  Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were
  •  Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
  •  One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor
  • I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious
  •  There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot
  •  I was such an ugly kid When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up
  •  Beauty is only skin deep…but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
  •  A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist
  • Don’t spell part backwards It’s a trap
  •  Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
  •  A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture
  •  When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty
  •  Isn’t it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust
  •  Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole
  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity It’s impossible to put down
  •  I wanna hang a map of the world in my house Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down
  •  Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
  •  If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost
  •  Dogs have masters Cats have staff
  • One liner tags: attitude, life, puns
  •  If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
  •  Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one
  •  It was love at first sight Then I took a second look !!
  •  Vegetarian: Native American definition for “lousy hunter”
  • That one liner ‘i’m not drinking too much tonight’ never goes as planned
  •  Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with
  •  A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort
  •  I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing
  •  A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing
  •  A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one
  •  Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  • Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
  •  I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
  •  Constipated people don’t give a crap
  •  Married men live longer than single men, but they’re a lot more willing to die
  •  Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard
  • Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally
  •  If you do not say it, they can’t repeat it
  • One liner tags: communication, intelligence, mistake, puns, stupid
  •  Politicians and diapers have one thing in common They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason
  •  Light travels faster than sound This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

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