- When I eat at a restaurant, the waiter tips me.
- Batman watches Saturday morning cartoons about him
- Even my tree houses have fully furnished basements.
- His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body
- He once turned a vampire into a vegetarian
- I live vicariously through myself.
- If he were to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume.
- My pillow is cool on BOTH sides.
- When I go to Spain, I chase the bulls.
- I divorced my wife because I caught her littering.
- When in Rome, they do as I do.
- His signature won a Pulitzer
- My words carry weight that would break a less interesting man’s jaw.
- I can speak Russian… in French (I can french kiss a russian girl).
- He is left-handed. And right-handed
- He once started a fire using only dental floss and water
- I am the life of parties that I have never attended.
- He can speak Russian… in French
- He once taught a german shepherd how to bark in spanish
- I skip the first date.
- Sasquatch has taken a photograph of me.
- If opportunity knocks, and I am not at home, opportunity waits.
- Whatever side of the tracks he’s currently on is the right side, even if he crosses the tracks he’ll still be on the right side
- He once went to the psychic, to warn her
- He once won the world series of poker using UNO cards
- His 5 de Mayo party starts on the 8th of March
- I once went to the psychic, to warn her.
- His two cents is worth $37 in change.
- He once won the Tour-de-France, but was disqualified for riding a unicycle
- My feet don’t get blisters, but my shoes do.
- Hurting me only makes me more desirable.
- Once while sailing around the world, he discovered a short cut
- His business card simply says ‘I’ll Call You”
- The star on his Christmas tree is tracked by NASA
- While swimming off the coast of Australia, I once scratched the underbelly of the Great White with my right han.
- I am Santa’s secret Santa.
- Bikers get tattoos of my face.
- If I was to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume.
- My pronunciation is impeccable, even under water.
- My shadow has been on the ‘best dressed’ list twice.
- He once won a staring contest with his own reflection
- When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, he hears it
- A bird in his hand is worth three in the bush
- My blood smells like cologne.
- He lives vicariously through himself
- Bigfoot tries to get pictures of him
- Batman watches Saturday morning cartoons about me.
- His sweat is the cure for the common cold
- I can steal thunder’s thunder.
- My reputation is expanding faster than the universe.
- My signature won a Pulitzer.
- The Nobel Academy was awarded a prize from ME.
- No less than 25 Mexican folk songs have been written about his beard
- I am the reason those nine ladies are dancing.
- Once I ran a marathon because it was “on the way”.
- When he holds a lady’s purse, he looks manly
- His lovemaking has been detected by a seismograph
- He has never walked into a spider web
- Once he ran a marathon because it was “on the way”
- His ten gallon hat holds twenty gallons
- My personality is so magnetic, I am unable to carry credit cards.
- If he were to say something costs an arm and a leg, it would
- I once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels.
- My two cents is worth $37 in change.
- If I were to say something costs an arm and a leg, it would.
- On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after me. My hands feel like rich brown suede.
- Sharks have a week dedicated to me.
- He gave his father “the talk”
- I have been known to cure narcolepsy just by walking into a room.
- I am the only person to ever ace a Rorschach test.
- I once turned a vampire into a vegetarian.
- I once caught the Loch Ness Monster….with a cane pole, but threw it back.
- My piñatas fights back.
- When he meets the Pope, the Pope kisses his ring
- I never say something tastes like chicken.. not even chicken.
- Presidents take his birthday off
- He has inside jokes with complete strangers.
- I once taught a german shepherd how to bark in spanish.
- I once won a fist fight, only using my beard.
- My small talk has altered foreign policy.
- Mosquitoes refuse to bite me purely out of respect.
- Time waits on no one, but him
- A bird in my hand is worth three in the bush.
- Time waits on no one, but me.
- My 5 de Mayo party starts on the 8th of March.
- He is fluent in all languages, including three that he only speaks
- The dark is afraid of him
- His mother has a tattoo that says “Son”
- The Holy Grail is looking for me.
- I played a game of Russian Roulette with a fully loaded magnum, and won.
- Cars look both ways for me, before driving down a street.
- I tip an astonishing 100%.
- My former landlord uses me as a reference.
- When I have a 50/50 shot, the odds are 80/20 in my favor.
- My passport has no photograph.
- My wallet is woven out of chupacabra leather.
- Respected archaeologists fight over my discarded apple cores.
- He is allowed to talk about the fight club
- His blood smells like cologne
- His pillow is cool on BOTH sides
- Bear hugs are what I give bears.
- His cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him
- The circus ran away to join me.
- I have never had to make a reservation for Valentine’s Day.
- I once flirted with danger, danger got clingy.
- The Holy Grail is looking for him
- I once got pulled over for speeding, and the cop got the ticket.
- Superman has pijamas with my logo.
- In museums, he is allowed to touch the art
- Bigfoot tries to get pictures of me.
- I can identify UFOs.
- I am a lover not a fighter but am also a fighter so don’t get any ideas.
- I bowl overhand.
- Bikers walk their motorcycles past my home.
- Only I know why the mariachi band never stops smiling.
- My lovemaking has been detected by a seismograph.
- I am the only person to ever find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.
- He has taught old dogs a variety of new tricks
- The dark is afraid of me.
- I have written piano concertos on the Ukulele.
- The police often question me, just because they find me interesting.
- While swimming off the coast of Australia, he once scratched the underbelly of the Great White with his right han
- I am considered a national treasure in countries I have never visited.
- My cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for me.
- Sasquatch has taken a photograph of him.
- I once won a staring contest with my own reflection.
- If I were to punch you in the face you would have to fight off a strong urge to thank me.
- My only regret is not knowing what regret feels like.
- He never wears a watch because time is always on his side
- He has never waited 15 minutes after finishing a meal before returning to the pool
- I don’t always drink beer, but when I do I drive.
- Panhandlers give me money.
- Werewolves are jealous of my beard.
- My organ donation card also lists my beard.
- If I were to visit the dark side of the moon, it wouldn’t be dark.
- Two countries went to war to dispute MY nationality.
- When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, I hear it.
- When he goes to Spain, he chases the bulls
- Mosquitoes refuse to bite him purely out of respect
- I once won the Tour-de-France, but was disqualified for riding a unicycle.
- I can play Chopin on the drums.
- I can make orange juice out of apples.
- He once made a weeping willow laugh
- Once while sailing around the world, I discovered a short cut.
- Aliens have asked me to probe them.
- My fortune cookies simply read congratulations.
- I once parallel parked a train.
- The Aztec calendar has my Cinco de Mayo party chiseled on it.
- I went to the Virgin Islands, now its called Islands.
- He is the life of parties that he has never attended
- I can slam a revolving door.
- The last time he flirted with danger, danger got clingy.
- Freemasons strive to learn MY secret handshake.
- I have never relied on mistletoe.
- I wouldn’t be afraid to show my feminine side if I had one.
- I taught Chuck Norris martial arts.
- If I were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there
- When it is raining, it is because am thinking of something sad.
- When I drive a car off the lot, its price increases in value.
- He can speak French. In Russian.
- Respected archaeologists fight over his discarded apple cores
- Once a rattlesnake bit him, after 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died
- He once caught the Loch Ness Monster….with a cane pole, but threw it back
- He once won a fist fight, only using his beard
- I have won the lifetime achievement award… twice.
- He once got pulled over for speeding, and the cop got the ticket
- He taught Chuck Norris martial arts
- If opportunity knocks, and he’s not at home, opportunity waits
- Panhandlers give him money
- The circus ran away to join him
- I was on a recent archaeological dig and came across prehistoric foot prints that lead out of Africa into all parts of the world. On close inspection, it turned out that the prints were mine.
- I once brought a knife to a gunfight… just to even the odds.
- His passport requires no photograph
- He can kill two stones with one bird
- My garden maze is responsible for more missing persons than the bermuda triangle.
- He bowls overhand
- His feet don’t get blisters, but his shoes do
- He’s never lost a game of chance
- On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him. His hands feel like rich brown suede
- He was on a recent archaeological dig and came across prehistoric foot prints that lead out of Africa into all parts of the world. On close inspection, it turned out that the prints were his
- I have never lost a game of chance.
- He never says something tastes like chicken.. not even chicken
- No less than 25 Mexican folk songs have been written about my beard.
- He is considered a national treasure in countries he’s never visited
- My morning breath has notes of saffron and a hint of lilac.
- When I holds a lady’s purse, I look manly.
- I gave my father “the talk”.
- Cars look both ways for him, before driving down a street
- My tailgate parties have been known to cause game delays.
- My friends call me by my name, my enemies don’t call me anything because they are all dead.
- His wallet is woven out of chupacabra leather
- The Nobel Academy was awarded a prize from HIM
- His garden maze is responsible for more missing persons than the bermuda triangle
- He once brought a knife to a gunfight… just to even the odds
- My beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body.
- My ten gallon hat holds twenty gallons.
- Bear hugs are what he gives bears
- Once a rattlesnake bit me, after 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died.
- When he was young he once sent his parents to his room
- When he drives a car off the lot, its price increases in value
- I once won the world series of poker using UNO cards.
- When I met the Pope, the Pope kissed my ring.
- His personality is so magnetic, he is unable to carry credit cards.
- My business card simply says ‘I’ll Call You”.
- I have inside jokes with people I have never met.
- He has inside jokes with people he’s never met
- Eskimos have seven different words to describe my beard.
- I am fluent in all languages, including three that only I speak.
- Presidents celebrate my birthday.
- When I was young I once sent my parents to my room.
- The star on my Christmas tree is tracked by NASA.
- My thank you cards have prompted your welcome cards.
- Roses stop to smell me.
- Regardless of the temperature you can never see my breath.
- My guacamole inspired the term ‘holy guacamole’.
- Roses stop to smell him
- I have taught old dogs a variety of new tricks.
- Freemasons strive to learn HIS secret handshake
- He wouldn’t be afraid to show his feminine side if he had one.
- In a past life, I was myself.
- I never wear a watch because time is always on my side.
- He once tried to acquire a cold just to see what it felt like, but it didn’t take
- Superman has pijamas with his logo
- Even my nod sounds like a plan.
- I am never filled up on chips.
- When I whisper to a horse, it whispers back.
- Whatever side of the tracks am currently on is the right side, even if I cross the tracks I’ll still be on the right side.
- I am on the upgrade list for flights I haven’t even checked into.
- I am allowed to talk about the fight club.
- Cuba imports cigars from me.
- He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels
- I have won trophies for my game face alone.
- Even his tree houses have fully finished basements
- It has never been my bad.
- My mother has a tattoo that says “Son”.
- Two countries went to war to dispute HIS nationality
- I once received a standing ovation from a jurors box.
- He can slam a revolving door.
- His shirts never wrinkle
- His tears can cure cancer, too bad he never cries
- His shadow has been on the ‘best dressed’ list twice
- I have never waited 15 minutes after finishing my meal before returning to the pool.
- I have never walked into a spider web.
- He played a game of Russian Roulette with a fully loaded magnum, and won
- I once started a fire using only dental floss and water.
- On multiple occasions, I have vouched for myself.
- I once gave a pep talk so compelling both teams won.
- If he were to punch you in the face you would have to fight off a strong urge to thank him
- His organ donation card also lists his beard
- The police often question him, just because they find him interesting
- I dont believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders.
- I am ambidextrous.
- He has won the lifetime achievement award… twice
- Both sides of my pillow are cool.
- My sweat is the cure for the common cold.
- Sharks have a week dedicated to him
- If he was to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume
- I can kill two stones with one bird.
- I have inside jokes with complete strangers.
- He doesn’t believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders
- Your second guess is as good as mine, on second thought, no its not.
- When in Rome, they do as HE does
- If he mispronounced your name, you’d feel compelled to change it.
- Werewolves are jealous of his beard
- Skinny dipping was my idea.
- My tears can cure cancer, too bad I never cry.
- If he were to visit the dark side of the moon, it wouldn’t be dark
- I once made a weeping willow laugh.
- Therapists open up to me.
- My shirts never wrinkles.
- I once tried to acquire a cold just to see what it felt like, but it didn’t take.
- Google searches me.
- His recipe for deviled eggs involves actual witchcraft
- His friends call him by his name, his enemies don’t call him anything because they are all dead
- In museums, I am allowed to touch the art.