Batman watches Saturday morning cartoons about him
Even my tree houses have fully furnished basements.
His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body
He once turned a vampire into a vegetarian
I live vicariously through myself.
If he were to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume.
My pillow is cool on BOTH sides.
When I go to Spain, I chase the bulls.
I divorced my wife because I caught her littering.
When in Rome, they do as I do.
His signature won a Pulitzer
My words carry weight that would break a less interesting man’s jaw.
I can speak Russian… in French (I can french kiss a russian girl).
He is left-handed. And right-handed
He once started a fire using only dental floss and water
I am the life of parties that I have never attended.
He can speak Russian… in French
He once taught a german shepherd how to bark in spanish
I skip the first date.
Sasquatch has taken a photograph of me.
If opportunity knocks, and I am not at home, opportunity waits.
Whatever side of the tracks he’s currently on is the right side, even if he crosses the tracks he’ll still be on the right side
He once went to the psychic, to warn her
He once won the world series of poker using UNO cards
His 5 de Mayo party starts on the 8th of March
I once went to the psychic, to warn her.
His two cents is worth $37 in change.
He once won the Tour-de-France, but was disqualified for riding a unicycle
My feet don’t get blisters, but my shoes do.
Hurting me only makes me more desirable.
Once while sailing around the world, he discovered a short cut
His business card simply says ‘I’ll Call You”
The star on his Christmas tree is tracked by NASA
While swimming off the coast of Australia, I once scratched the underbelly of the Great White with my right han.
I am Santa’s secret Santa.
Bikers get tattoos of my face.
If I was to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume.
My pronunciation is impeccable, even under water.
My shadow has been on the ‘best dressed’ list twice.
He once won a staring contest with his own reflection
When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, he hears it
A bird in his hand is worth three in the bush
My blood smells like cologne.
He lives vicariously through himself
Bigfoot tries to get pictures of him
Batman watches Saturday morning cartoons about me.
His sweat is the cure for the common cold
I can steal thunder’s thunder.
My reputation is expanding faster than the universe.
My signature won a Pulitzer.
The Nobel Academy was awarded a prize from ME.
No less than 25 Mexican folk songs have been written about his beard
I am the reason those nine ladies are dancing.
Once I ran a marathon because it was “on the way”.
When he holds a lady’s purse, he looks manly
His lovemaking has been detected by a seismograph
He has never walked into a spider web
Once he ran a marathon because it was “on the way”
His ten gallon hat holds twenty gallons
My personality is so magnetic, I am unable to carry credit cards.
If he were to say something costs an arm and a leg, it would
I once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels.
My two cents is worth $37 in change.
If I were to say something costs an arm and a leg, it would.
On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after me. My hands feel like rich brown suede.
Sharks have a week dedicated to me.
He gave his father “the talk”
I have been known to cure narcolepsy just by walking into a room.
I am the only person to ever ace a Rorschach test.
I once turned a vampire into a vegetarian.
I once caught the Loch Ness Monster….with a cane pole, but threw it back.
My piñatas fights back.
When he meets the Pope, the Pope kisses his ring
I never say something tastes like chicken.. not even chicken.
Presidents take his birthday off
He has inside jokes with complete strangers.
I once taught a german shepherd how to bark in spanish.
I once won a fist fight, only using my beard.
My small talk has altered foreign policy.
Mosquitoes refuse to bite me purely out of respect.
Time waits on no one, but him
A bird in my hand is worth three in the bush.
Time waits on no one, but me.
My 5 de Mayo party starts on the 8th of March.
He is fluent in all languages, including three that he only speaks
The dark is afraid of him
His mother has a tattoo that says “Son”
The Holy Grail is looking for me.
I played a game of Russian Roulette with a fully loaded magnum, and won.
Cars look both ways for me, before driving down a street.
I tip an astonishing 100%.
My former landlord uses me as a reference.
When I have a 50/50 shot, the odds are 80/20 in my favor.
My passport has no photograph.
My wallet is woven out of chupacabra leather.
Respected archaeologists fight over my discarded apple cores.
He is allowed to talk about the fight club
His blood smells like cologne
His pillow is cool on BOTH sides
Bear hugs are what I give bears.
His cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him
The circus ran away to join me.
I have never had to make a reservation for Valentine’s Day.
I once flirted with danger, danger got clingy.
The Holy Grail is looking for him
I once got pulled over for speeding, and the cop got the ticket.
Superman has pijamas with my logo.
In museums, he is allowed to touch the art
Bigfoot tries to get pictures of me.
I can identify UFOs.
I am a lover not a fighter but am also a fighter so don’t get any ideas.
I bowl overhand.
Bikers walk their motorcycles past my home.
Only I know why the mariachi band never stops smiling.
My lovemaking has been detected by a seismograph.
I am the only person to ever find a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.
He has taught old dogs a variety of new tricks
The dark is afraid of me.
I have written piano concertos on the Ukulele.
The police often question me, just because they find me interesting.
While swimming off the coast of Australia, he once scratched the underbelly of the Great White with his right han
I am considered a national treasure in countries I have never visited.
My cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for me.
Sasquatch has taken a photograph of him.
I once won a staring contest with my own reflection.
If I were to punch you in the face you would have to fight off a strong urge to thank me.
My only regret is not knowing what regret feels like.
He never wears a watch because time is always on his side
He has never waited 15 minutes after finishing a meal before returning to the pool
I don’t always drink beer, but when I do I drive.
Panhandlers give me money.
Werewolves are jealous of my beard.
My organ donation card also lists my beard.
If I were to visit the dark side of the moon, it wouldn’t be dark.
Two countries went to war to dispute MY nationality.
When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, I hear it.
When he goes to Spain, he chases the bulls
Mosquitoes refuse to bite him purely out of respect
I once won the Tour-de-France, but was disqualified for riding a unicycle.
I can play Chopin on the drums.
I can make orange juice out of apples.
He once made a weeping willow laugh
Once while sailing around the world, I discovered a short cut.
Aliens have asked me to probe them.
My fortune cookies simply read congratulations.
I once parallel parked a train.
The Aztec calendar has my Cinco de Mayo party chiseled on it.
I went to the Virgin Islands, now its called Islands.
He is the life of parties that he has never attended
I can slam a revolving door.
The last time he flirted with danger, danger got clingy.
Freemasons strive to learn MY secret handshake.
I have never relied on mistletoe.
I wouldn’t be afraid to show my feminine side if I had one.
I taught Chuck Norris martial arts.
If I were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there
When it is raining, it is because am thinking of something sad.
When I drive a car off the lot, its price increases in value.
He can speak French. In Russian.
Respected archaeologists fight over his discarded apple cores
Once a rattlesnake bit him, after 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died
He once caught the Loch Ness Monster….with a cane pole, but threw it back
He once won a fist fight, only using his beard
I have won the lifetime achievement award… twice.
He once got pulled over for speeding, and the cop got the ticket
He taught Chuck Norris martial arts
If opportunity knocks, and he’s not at home, opportunity waits
Panhandlers give him money
The circus ran away to join him
I was on a recent archaeological dig and came across prehistoric foot prints that lead out of Africa into all parts of the world. On close inspection, it turned out that the prints were mine.
I once brought a knife to a gunfight… just to even the odds.
His passport requires no photograph
He can kill two stones with one bird
My garden maze is responsible for more missing persons than the bermuda triangle.
He bowls overhand
His feet don’t get blisters, but his shoes do
He’s never lost a game of chance
On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him. His hands feel like rich brown suede
He was on a recent archaeological dig and came across prehistoric foot prints that lead out of Africa into all parts of the world. On close inspection, it turned out that the prints were his
I have never lost a game of chance.
He never says something tastes like chicken.. not even chicken
No less than 25 Mexican folk songs have been written about my beard.
He is considered a national treasure in countries he’s never visited
My morning breath has notes of saffron and a hint of lilac.
When I holds a lady’s purse, I look manly.
I gave my father “the talk”.
Cars look both ways for him, before driving down a street
My tailgate parties have been known to cause game delays.
My friends call me by my name, my enemies don’t call me anything because they are all dead.
His wallet is woven out of chupacabra leather
The Nobel Academy was awarded a prize from HIM
His garden maze is responsible for more missing persons than the bermuda triangle
He once brought a knife to a gunfight… just to even the odds
My beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body.
My ten gallon hat holds twenty gallons.
Bear hugs are what he gives bears
Once a rattlesnake bit me, after 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died.
When he was young he once sent his parents to his room
When he drives a car off the lot, its price increases in value
I once won the world series of poker using UNO cards.
When I met the Pope, the Pope kissed my ring.
His personality is so magnetic, he is unable to carry credit cards.
My business card simply says ‘I’ll Call You”.
I have inside jokes with people I have never met.
He has inside jokes with people he’s never met
Eskimos have seven different words to describe my beard.
I am fluent in all languages, including three that only I speak.
Presidents celebrate my birthday.
When I was young I once sent my parents to my room.
The star on my Christmas tree is tracked by NASA.
My thank you cards have prompted your welcome cards.
Roses stop to smell me.
Regardless of the temperature you can never see my breath.
My guacamole inspired the term ‘holy guacamole’.
Roses stop to smell him
I have taught old dogs a variety of new tricks.
Freemasons strive to learn HIS secret handshake
He wouldn’t be afraid to show his feminine side if he had one.
In a past life, I was myself.
I never wear a watch because time is always on my side.
He once tried to acquire a cold just to see what it felt like, but it didn’t take
Superman has pijamas with his logo
Even my nod sounds like a plan.
I am never filled up on chips.
When I whisper to a horse, it whispers back.
Whatever side of the tracks am currently on is the right side, even if I cross the tracks I’ll still be on the right side.
I am on the upgrade list for flights I haven’t even checked into.
I am allowed to talk about the fight club.
Cuba imports cigars from me.
He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels
I have won trophies for my game face alone.
Even his tree houses have fully finished basements
It has never been my bad.
My mother has a tattoo that says “Son”.
Two countries went to war to dispute HIS nationality
I once received a standing ovation from a jurors box.
He can slam a revolving door.
His shirts never wrinkle
His tears can cure cancer, too bad he never cries
His shadow has been on the ‘best dressed’ list twice
I have never waited 15 minutes after finishing my meal before returning to the pool.
I have never walked into a spider web.
He played a game of Russian Roulette with a fully loaded magnum, and won
I once started a fire using only dental floss and water.
On multiple occasions, I have vouched for myself.
I once gave a pep talk so compelling both teams won.
If he were to punch you in the face you would have to fight off a strong urge to thank him
His organ donation card also lists his beard
The police often question him, just because they find him interesting
I dont believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders.
I am ambidextrous.
He has won the lifetime achievement award… twice
Both sides of my pillow are cool.
My sweat is the cure for the common cold.
Sharks have a week dedicated to him
If he was to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume
I can kill two stones with one bird.
I have inside jokes with complete strangers.
He doesn’t believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders
Your second guess is as good as mine, on second thought, no its not.
When in Rome, they do as HE does
If he mispronounced your name, you’d feel compelled to change it.
Werewolves are jealous of his beard
Skinny dipping was my idea.
My tears can cure cancer, too bad I never cry.
If he were to visit the dark side of the moon, it wouldn’t be dark
I once made a weeping willow laugh.
Therapists open up to me.
My shirts never wrinkles.
I once tried to acquire a cold just to see what it felt like, but it didn’t take.
Google searches me.
His recipe for deviled eggs involves actual witchcraft
His friends call him by his name, his enemies don’t call him anything because they are all dead
