A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

The other night I was invited out for a night

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” 

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. “I promise!” 

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. 

Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. 

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. 

Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. 

He didn’t seem disturbed at all. 

(Whew! Got away with that one!). 

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” 

When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, “Oh, crap,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.”

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed

Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”

Reading a letter at the breakfast table, a wife suddenly looked

Reading a letter at the breakfast table, a wife suddenly looked suspiciously at her husband.

“Henry, I’ve just received a letter from my mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we don’t appear to want her. What does she mean? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”

“Er, yes,” said the husband. “But I couldn’t spell ‘convenience’, so I made it ‘risk’.”

One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor

One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. 

After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them

“There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! 

Eat up! 

Get up!” 

Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?” 

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”

A wife decided to leave for a vacation

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?” He responded with, “The cat is dead.” She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you’ve broken the new slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor things dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?” “She’s playing on the roof.”

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. 

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.”

 

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. 

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”

“And so, here we are!”

A woman is at home when she hears someone

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.

She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.

He asks the lady, “Do you have a Vagina?”

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, “Do you have a Vagina?”

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.

The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again.”

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. 

The husband whisperes to the wife, “Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the

question because I want to a see where he’s going with this.”

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, “Do you have a Vagina?”

“Yes I do.” says the lady.

The man replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband’s marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”

The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Giuseppe proudly replied, ” I gonna go pick her up.”

A judge was interviewing a woman

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

she questions her husband

When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her.

Furious, she questions her husband. 

The husband says, “I have no idea where they came from I don’t do the laundry!”

So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her. 

Indignant, the maid replies, “Madam, how should I know? These panties don’t belong to me. I don’t even wear panties just ask your husband!”

A blonde, wanting to earn some money

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. 

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?” 

The blonde said “How about 50 dollars?” 

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. 

The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” 

The man replied, “She should, she was standing on it.” 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 

“You’re finished already?” he asked. 

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” 

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde a dded, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Walking home after a girls’ night out

Walking home after a girls’ night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. 

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. 

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. 

The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious: “My wife came home last night without her panties!” 

“That’s nothing,” says the other. “Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, ‘From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you.'”

A newlywed couple moves into their new house than

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. 

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” 

The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” 

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” 

He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” 

Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. 

The wife finds a leak in the roof. 

She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?” 

He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” 

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. 

So is the plumbing. So is the car. 

He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. 

Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. 

“What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?” 

The husband said, “No sweetie.” 

The woman said, “I’m sure you would.” 

So the man said, “Okay, I would” 

Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?” 

And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.” 

Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?” 

And the husband replied, “No, she’s left handed.”

Husband And Wife Were Going Through A Rocky Phase

A husband and wife were going through a rocky phase and were giving each other the silent treatment.

One day, at the height of hostilities, he realised that he needed his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. so that he could catch an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper: “Please wake me at 5 a.m.”

The next morning, he woke to discover that it was 9 a.m. and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to confront his wife when he noticed a piece of paper on his pillow.

The paper read: “It is 5 a.m. Wake up.”

One morning she put some chicken

An older retired couple – the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee, A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after awhile and says, “Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in”.

I have something to confess

Once, there was a couple about to have sex. “I have something to confess,” said the shy wife. The husband then said, “Whatever it is, I will still love.” The wife then said “Honey, I flat chested. The husband said, “It’s okay, I’m a baby down there anyways.” He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex. The next day, the wife said “I thought you were a baby down there.” The husband then said “I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds.”…

Window Problems A blonde texts her husband

Window Problems A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer.” Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.”

A husband was feeling sorry for himself

A husband was feeling sorry for himself and in a rare moment of candour, confessed to his wife: “Sometimes I think I’m nothing but an idiot.” 

His wife held his hand tenderly and said: “Don’t worry, darling. Lots of people feel like that. In fact, virtually everyone we know thinks you’re an idiot.”

A woman was talking a shortcut through a cemetery

A woman was talking a shortcut through a cemetery when she spotted a man sobbing uncontrollably beside a grave.

“Why did you have to go?” he cried. “Why, oh why?”

The woman put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I don’t wish to intrude on your grief, but I’m so sorry for your loss. Is this your wife’s grave?”

“No,” sniffled the man. “It’s her first husband’s.”

At the height of an argument

   At the height of an argument, the husband said: “Admit it, Cheryl, the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me $10 million.” 

          “Don’t be ridiculous,” she said. “I don’t care who left it to you.” 

       

A husband got a message from his neighbor

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now” The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”

A husband and wife were chatting with friends

A husband and wife were chatting with friends when the subject of marriage counselling was raised.

The husband said:

“Oh, we’ll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship. She has a communications degree and I have a degree in theatre arts. She communicates really well and I just act like I’m listening.”