A husband and a wife have four children the oldest three are tall with blonde hair, the youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said “honey, can you be completely honest with me, is our youngest son mine?” The wife says “I swear to all that is holy he is your son.” Then the husband died and the wife muttered, “thank god he didn’t ask about the other three.”
The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.”
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. “I promise!”
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight.
He didn’t seem disturbed at all.
(Whew! Got away with that one!).
Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”
When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, “Oh, crap,” cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.”
A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband’s friend walks over and says,
“Jenny and Jonathan sittin in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, the comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E.”
Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”
Reading a letter at the breakfast table, a wife suddenly looked suspiciously at her husband.
“Henry, I’ve just received a letter from my mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we don’t appear to want her. What does she mean? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”
“Er, yes,” said the husband. “But I couldn’t spell ‘convenience’, so I made it ‘risk’.”
One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall.
After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them
“There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up!
Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?”
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
“Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.
two husbands walk into a bar the first one says my wife is an angel the second one says your lucky mine is still alive
A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the f…ing autopsy!”
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?” He responded with, “The cat is dead.” She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you’ve broken the new slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor things dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?” “She’s playing on the roof.”
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.”
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
“And so, here we are!”
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a Vagina?”
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, “Do you have a Vagina?”
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again.”
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, “Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to a see where he’s going with this.”
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, “Do you have a Vagina?”
“Yes I do.” says the lady.
The man replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”
At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband’s marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!”
The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, ” I gonna go pick her up.”
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”
A husband is supposed to make his wife’s panties wet, not her eyes.
A wife is supposed to make her husband’s dick hard, not his life…
When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her.
Furious, she questions her husband.
The husband says, “I have no idea where they came from I don’t do the laundry!”
So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her.
Indignant, the maid replies, “Madam, how should I know? These panties don’t belong to me. I don’t even wear panties just ask your husband!”
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it’s the only time he hears someone tell him, “Wow, that’s a big one!”
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman.
It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging. –
Took me ages to get her husband’s voice right.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said “How about 50 dollars?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should, she was standing on it.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
“And by the way,” the blonde a dded, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
Walking home after a girls’ night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious: “My wife came home last night without her panties!”
“That’s nothing,” says the other. “Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, ‘From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you.'”
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”
The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”
He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”
Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”
He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?”
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.
So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.
Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.
“What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”
An American woman married a British man.
On their honeymoon, the British husband said,
¨You look like a million pounds!¨ The wife divorced him.
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! Thats not going to help!” She said. “Sure it does.” he said. “Its the only way i can see the numbers.”
Ever since I needed a wheelchair,
my husband has been so rude.
He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The husband said, “No sweetie.”
The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said, “Okay, I would”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”
Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
And the husband replied, “No, she’s left handed.”
Husband:h happy and sad at the same time Wife: You have the biggest p…. out of all your friendsI bet you can’t say something that will make me bot
Two husbands were discussing the state of their marriages.
One said: “My wife always complains that I don’t help with the housework.”
The other said: “Mine constantly complains that I never listen to her-or something like that.”
A husband and wife were going through a rocky phase and were giving each other the silent treatment.
One day, at the height of hostilities, he realised that he needed his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. so that he could catch an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper: “Please wake me at 5 a.m.”
The next morning, he woke to discover that it was 9 a.m. and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to confront his wife when he noticed a piece of paper on his pillow.
The paper read: “It is 5 a.m. Wake up.”
A man was married to the worst cook in the world. One evening he came home from work to find her in floods of tears.
“It’s a disaster,” she wailed. “The cat’s eaten your dinner!”
“Never mind” said the husband. “I’ll buy you a new cat.”
An older retired couple – the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee, A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after awhile and says, “Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in”.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
On their silver wedding anniversary, a woman turned to her husband and said: “Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he replied. “I stuck with you through the other six shades.”
Once, there was a couple about to have sex. “I have something to confess,” said the shy wife. The husband then said, “Whatever it is, I will still love.” The wife then said “Honey, I flat chested. The husband said, “It’s okay, I’m a baby down there anyways.” He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex. The next day, the wife said “I thought you were a baby down there.” The husband then said “I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds.”…
Two men were sitting in a bar, complaining about their wives. “It really annoys me,” said one. “Whenever we have a row, she gets historical.”
“Don’t you mean ‘hysterical’?” queried his friend.
“No, I mean historical. Every time we argue, she says: ‘I still remember the time that you…'”
Window Problems A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer.” Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer really messed up now.”
A husband was feeling sorry for himself and in a rare moment of candour, confessed to his wife: “Sometimes I think I’m nothing but an idiot.”
His wife held his hand tenderly and said: “Don’t worry, darling. Lots of people feel like that. In fact, virtually everyone we know thinks you’re an idiot.”
A woman was talking a shortcut through a cemetery when she spotted a man sobbing uncontrollably beside a grave.
“Why did you have to go?” he cried. “Why, oh why?”
The woman put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I don’t wish to intrude on your grief, but I’m so sorry for your loss. Is this your wife’s grave?”
“No,” sniffled the man. “It’s her first husband’s.”
After a furious row with his wife, a husband tried to make the peace.
“After don’t you meet me halfway on this?” he suggested. “I’ll admit you’re wrong if you admit I’m right.”
A woman comes to the doctor and tells her ‘doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?’ The doctor says ‘my number’
Wife:Honey im pregnant
Husband:Hi Pregnant im dad
Wife:No you’re not
At the height of an argument, the husband said: “Admit it, Cheryl, the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me $10 million.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said. “I don’t care who left it to you.”
Wife: Why don’t you ever wear your wedding ring?
Husband: It cuts off my circulation.
Wife: It’s supposed to.
Husband – Wife Jokes
A husband and wife were shopping when the husband eyed up a shapely young woman in a short, tight skirt. Without looking up from the item she was examining, the wife said: “Was it worth the trouble you’re in?
A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now” The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”
Deciding to wash his sweatshirt, a husband asked his wife: “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
“University of Oklahoma.”
My husband said he wanted more space.
So I locked him outside.
Husband: “Want a quickie?”
Wife: “As opposed to what?