Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?” Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys’ dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!!” His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?” “Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys’ balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”

Little Johnny had a bad day.

Little Johnny had a bad day.

He stomped home from school to the family farm. Being an annoying little kid, he saw the farm animals and decided to take out a little frustration on them, so he yelled at the pig, chased the chickens around, and kicked in a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch. Finally, he made it to the house. His mom was waiting and furious.

“Johnny, I saw you just did and you’re in big trouble! For abusing the poor pig and chickens, you don’t get sausage or wings tonight. And no pumpkin pie, either!”

Just then, the two of them saw Johnny’s dad came back from a day in the fields. He walked to the porch, where the cat is sleeping peacefully in the sun. He irritably kicked the cat out of the way to make it to the door. Johnny turns to his mom with a big grin and says,

“Shall you tell him, or shall I?”

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. 

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. 

His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”

Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. 

“That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. 

She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”

The kindergarten class had a Homework Assignment

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

“It’s a period” reported Johnny.

“Well I can see that” she said. “but what is so exciting about a period.”

“Damned if I know” said Johnny, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

What would you like for your birthday?

I asked little Johnny, ‘What would you like for your birthday?’

He said, ‘Tampons please.’

I said, ‘Tampons!? Why do you want tampons for your birthday!?’

He replied, ‘I saw a great TV ad. With a tampon you can go swimming, biking and skiing.’

Little Johnny asks his mum

Little Johnny asks his mum, “Mum, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time in a faraway land’?”

“No darling,” says his mother, somewhat distressed, “Sometimes, they can begin with ‘I’ve got too much work in the office tonight, I’ll come home later’.”

Shoot the apple from the head

Little Johnny plays “shoot the apple from the head” with his friends. The first shot lands directly in his eye. “Ooowww man, you got me right in the eye!” he complains to his friend.

But the other friend also wants a go and persuades Johnny that he is a much better shot. But bingo, the second shot gets Johnny in the other eye.

Johnny gives up: “Well I’ve had it with this game, I’m going home. Mom said I should come back once it gets dark anyway.”

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard him say:

“One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two.”

“Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four.”

“Three and three”

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.

The next day she stormed into Little Johnny’s classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. She told her about Little Johnny’s different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn’t understand why Little Johnny had said that. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, “Oh, I know, here in school we say: one and one, the sum-of-which is two!”

Little Johnny comes home

Little Johnny comes home and his father sighs, “Alright, boy, out with your report card.”

Johnny says, “I don’t have it, dad.”

“What? Why not?” asks his father.

“I borrowed it to my friend. He wanted to freak out his parents.”

Her Recent Psychology Education

The teacher was trying to put to use her recent psychology education.

She asked everyone in her class, “Alright, if any of you think you are stupid, please stand up!”

A few seconds pass by and then Little Johnny stands up.

Startled, the teacher says, “Oh, do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”

“No, Miss, but I didn’t want to leave you standing all alone!”