Little Johnny had a bad day.

Little Johnny had a bad day.

He stomped home from school to the family farm. Being an annoying little kid, he saw the farm animals and decided to take out a little frustration on them, so he yelled at the pig, chased the chickens around, and kicked in a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch. Finally, he made it to the house. His mom was waiting and furious.

“Johnny, I saw you just did and you’re in big trouble! For abusing the poor pig and chickens, you don’t get sausage or wings tonight. And no pumpkin pie, either!”

Just then, the two of them saw Johnny’s dad came back from a day in the fields. He walked to the porch, where the cat is sleeping peacefully in the sun. He irritably kicked the cat out of the way to make it to the door. Johnny turns to his mom with a big grin and says,

“Shall you tell him, or shall I?”

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. 

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. 

His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”

Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. 

“That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. 

She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”

The kindergarten class had a Homework Assignment

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

“It’s a period” reported Johnny.

“Well I can see that” she said. “but what is so exciting about a period.”

“Damned if I know” said Johnny, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

What would you like for your birthday?

I asked little Johnny, ‘What would you like for your birthday?’

He said, ‘Tampons please.’

I said, ‘Tampons!? Why do you want tampons for your birthday!?’

He replied, ‘I saw a great TV ad. With a tampon you can go swimming, biking and skiing.’

Little Johnny asks his mum

Little Johnny asks his mum, “Mum, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time in a faraway land’?”

“No darling,” says his mother, somewhat distressed, “Sometimes, they can begin with ‘I’ve got too much work in the office tonight, I’ll come home later’.”

Shoot the apple from the head

Little Johnny plays “shoot the apple from the head” with his friends. The first shot lands directly in his eye. “Ooowww man, you got me right in the eye!” he complains to his friend.

But the other friend also wants a go and persuades Johnny that he is a much better shot. But bingo, the second shot gets Johnny in the other eye.

Johnny gives up: “Well I’ve had it with this game, I’m going home. Mom said I should come back once it gets dark anyway.”

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard him say:

“One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two.”

“Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four.”

“Three and three”

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.

The next day she stormed into Little Johnny’s classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. She told her about Little Johnny’s different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn’t understand why Little Johnny had said that. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, “Oh, I know, here in school we say: one and one, the sum-of-which is two!”

Little Johnny comes home

Little Johnny comes home and his father sighs, “Alright, boy, out with your report card.”

Johnny says, “I don’t have it, dad.”

“What? Why not?” asks his father.

“I borrowed it to my friend. He wanted to freak out his parents.”

Her Recent Psychology Education

The teacher was trying to put to use her recent psychology education.

She asked everyone in her class, “Alright, if any of you think you are stupid, please stand up!”

A few seconds pass by and then Little Johnny stands up.

Startled, the teacher says, “Oh, do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”

“No, Miss, but I didn’t want to leave you standing all alone!”

A priest was talking to a group of kids

A priest was talking to a group of kids about “being good” and going to heaven.
At the end of his talk, he asked, “Where do you want to go?”
“Heaven! Heaven!” Yelled Little Lisa.
“And what do you have to be to get there?” asked the priest.
“Dead!” Yelled Little Johnny.

Little Johnny was sent back to bed

Little Johnny was sent back to bed for the tenth time that evening and his mommy is not amused. She says, “Johnny, if I hear one more time ‘Mommy, I want this, mommy, I want that’, you will be in big trouble! I don’t want to hear the word mommy again tonight. Now off to bed you go!” There’s a short pause, after which Johnny says hesitantly, “Mrs Lambden, I want a glass of water, please.”

Little Johnny is making faces at school

Little Johnny is making faces at school. The teacher catches him at it and says, “You know when I was little and made faces, my dad told me a secret. And that is that when you keep making faces, your face finally can’t go back and you end up really ugly.”

Little Johnny quiets and says, “Well, at least you were warned…”

The teacher was asking the end of the Day Question

The teacher was asking the end of the day question that she asks every Friday.
If the student got it right they would not have to go to school on Monday.
Little Johnny Was determined to answer correctly.
So he painted two black marbles black and rolled them to the teachers feet.
All of a sudden she Shouted out, “Who’s the commedian with the black balls?”.
Johnny shouted out, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday suckas!”.

Playing in the backyard

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.
His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”
Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
“That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.
She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”

He met a man who had lost his wallet

Little Johnny was late for school. The teacher asked him why, and Little Johnny explained it was because he met a man who had lost his wallet on the street.

“Ah,” nodded the teacher, “you were helping him find it!”

“Um, not really,” said Johnny, “but I had to keep standing on it until he would give up and go away.”

“What would you like to be when you grow up?”

Teacher asks his class one day, “What would you like to be when you grow up?”

Johnny answers first, saying, “I will follow in my father’s footsteps and become a policeman.”

Teacher raises his eyebrows, “Johnny, I didn’t know your father is a policeman.”

“Well, he isn’t,” explains Johnny. “He’s a burglar.”

Little Johnny walks into his dad’s bedroom

Little Johnny walks into his dad’s bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom.
His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asks curiously, “What are you doing, Dad?”
His father quickly replies, “I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed.”
Little Johnny replies, “What are you gonna do — screw him?”

where are you going with the cow?

Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square.

The mayor sees him and asks, “Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?”

“I’m taking her to the bulls so she would get pregnant,” answers Johnny.

The mayor is shocked, “Surely your father had better be doing that?”

Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, “Nah, I think it’s really best left with the bulls.”

Why did you laugh?

Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy: “I saw a strap of your bra.”
Teacher: “Get out! Don’t come to class for the next 1 week. Another boy laughs…”
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy: “I saw both straps of your bra.”
Teacher: “Get out! Don’t come to class for next 1 month.”
The teacher bends to pick a chalk and little Johnny starts walking out of the class.
Teacher: “Why are you going out?”
Johnny: “With what I saw I think my school days are over.”

Paint a picture of Cows

The class was told to paint a picture of cows grazing in a meadow.

Soon, Little Johnny lifts a hand that he’s finished and shows the teacher a blank sheet of paper.

“But Johnny, you didn’t paint anything on it?” says the teacher.

“Well, the cows have eaten all the grass and since there was no grass left, they just went away.”

Little Johnny attended a Horse Auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”

Little Johnny’s Preschool Class

Little Johnny’s preschool class went on a field trip to the firestation. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: “Does anyone know what this is?”

Little Johnny’s hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: “That’s how Mommy knows supper is ready!”

Little Johnny was late for school

Little Johnny was late for school. The teacher asked him why, and Little Johnny explained it was because he met a man who had lost his wallet on the street.

“Ah,” nodded the teacher, “you were helping him find it!”

“Um, not really,” said Johnny, “but I had to keep standing on it until he would give up and go away.”

Little Johnny asks the teacher

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”

Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!”

Little Johnny is relieved, “OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven’t done my homework.”

Little Johnny got a great idea for an invention !

Little Johnny comes proudly to his mom: “Mom, I’ve got a great idea for an invention!”

Mom: “Cool, tell me.”

Johnny: “It’s a computerized hair-cutting machine. You put your head in a cube and the scissors cut whatever hairstyle you wish.”

Mom: “But how would that work, Johnny? People have all sorts of different head shapes and sizes!”

Johnny: “Only before, mom. Only before!”

If you had two dollars

Teacher: “If you had two dollars and you asked your daddy for another dollar, how many dollars would you have in the end?”

Without hesitation, Johnny answers, “Two dollars.”

Teacher isn’t happy, “Come on, Johnny, you don’t know how to count.”

Johnny shrugs, “Maybe, but I do know my dad!”

Create a sentence which starts with “I”

Teacher tests Little Johnny, “OK, Johnny, create a sentence which starts with ‘I’.”

Little Johnny confidently starts, “I is…”

Teacher snaps, “No, Little Johnny. You must always say, ‘I am’.”

Little Johnny sighs, “Yes ma’am. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’”