You seem to be in Some Distress !!

“You seem to be in some distress,” said the kindly judge to the witness. “Is anything the matter?”
“Well, your Honour,” said the witness, “I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.”

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a Cocktail Party

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, “How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?”
“Just send an account for such advice” replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.

A priest and a Lawyer died and went to Heaven

A priest and a lawyer died and went to heaven.  They were met by Saint Peter at the gate, who told them he would be giving them some transportation to get around in.  He gave the lawyer a big white limousine.  The priest was given a bicycle.  The priest said “wait a minute” you gave the lawyer a limousine and me a bicycle. Why is that? St. Peter replied, oh we get a lot of priests in Heaven, but this is the first time a lawyer has made it.