A boy sits in class watching the clock

A boy sits in class watching the clock when the teacher stands up in front of the class

And tells the class since there isn’t much time before the end of class and it was Friday she will play a game with them. She explains the rules.

Teacher: Guess which president said the quote and you can leave early.

The boy is excited this is his favorite subject and he knows he is go… read more

When you turn 18, I’m taking

Dad: When you turn 18, I’m taking you to the strip club.
Teen: Dad, no!!!

Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it’s time for you to start bringing money to the house.

 

 

 

 

 

Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it’s time for you to start bringing money to the house.

Two guys are at a bar

sex with twins

Two guys are at a bar. One of them looks to the other and says, “I had the best time last night. I had sex with twins!” The other asks, “How could you tell them apart?” “Well, Jessica had long, beautiful, blonde hair, and Alex had a goatee.

 

Jessica and Katie were sitting and chatting

Jessica and Katie were sitting and chatting on Katie’s porch one Friday afternoon…
Jessica looks down the road and can see Katie’s husband headed their way, with a large bouquet of roses. Jessica says, “Katie, here comes your husband! And he’s got a bunch of roses!” Katie responds, “Yeah, nice”, unenthusiastically. Jessica is confused, she says, “I don’t understand. Isn’t getting roses a nice thing?” Katie says, “Yeah, I guess. But every time my husband comes home on a Friday with flowers, it means I have to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.” Jessica sits pondering that information for a moment, and finally says, “Don’t you have a vase?”

A boy comes home from school

A boy comes home from school at 7pm

His dad says “where were you? ” “I was with Jessica.” He replied. “What were you doing?” “We were revising.” After picking a snack off the table the son says “These fishcakes are lovely.” Dad replies “Wash your hands Martin, they’re fucking donuts.”

Lesson in Marriage

Lesson in Marriage

A son goes to tell his father that he is going to marry his girlfriend. 

 

Son: “Hey dad, I decided I’m going to marrying Jessica”

 

Dad: “Oh wow that’s great son, but first you have to say you’re sorry”

 

The son is confused by this

 

Son: “Wait why do you need me to say that dad?”

 

Dad: “Just say it, it’s not going to hurt you”

 

Son: “No, not until you tell me why I have to say sorry”

 

Dad: “It’s just a simple sentence, just tell me that you are sorry”

 

Son: “Dad, just tell me why and I’ll decided whether or not to apologize!”

 

Dad: “Cmon just say it already!”

 

Son: “Ok, ok I’m sorry! Are you happy now!”

 

Dad: “Good, if you are going to get married you need to be able to apologize for no reason at all”

 

(Sorry if this is not funny or has bad formatting. It’s my first time posting)

The problem with Iron Fist

The problem with Iron Fist…

The problem with Netflix’s Iron Fist show is pretty simple.

 

See, Marvel is trying to be diverse not just in front of the camera, but behind it. They want to really show respect for the communities their characters are drawn from.

 

So Jessica Jones is a woman, and they made an effort to involve creators who were women. Luke Cage is black, so they made an effort to involve creators who were black.

 

Unfortunately, Danny Rand is a fucking moron, so…

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: “What part of the human body increases to 10 times it’s normal size when excited?”

Jessica responds: “That’s disgusting! I don’t have to answer that question!”

 

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: “That’s easy…the pupil of the eye.” 

 

“That’s correct, Johnny. Very good!”

 

And turning to Jessica, she says: 

“I’ve three things to say to you, young lady… first, you didn’t do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you’re in for a big disappointment!”

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls…

and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, ” Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, “Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well, once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says, ” Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, “Reeva, What seems to be the rush?” The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.

A man dies and goes to hell

A man dies and goes to hell…

When he walks through the gate he is greeted by a demon. “Hi Steve. Welcome to hell. Since you were only an occasional sinner, you will be allowed to choose your eternal punishment”

The Demon leads him down a dark street. “This is your first option.” he says. Steve sees a man being pecked to death by crows. “Would you like this for your eternal punishment?” “No! this looks terrible!” steve replies. They continue walking.

Around the next corner Steve sees a man being cast into a pit of molten lava. “How about this one?” The demon asks. “No… this looks like an awful way to spend eternity.”

Frustrated, They continue walking. Around the next corner Steve sees a man who looks to be 100 years old, receiving a blowjob from the most beautiful young woman he has ever seen. “How about this?” asks the demon. 

“Wow! This looks amazing! This is definitely how I would to like spend eternity!” Steve says, not believing his luck.

The demon grins slightly, “As you wish, Steve. “Jessica! you are free to go, Steve here is taking over for you.”

Jim, Jeff and Joe are having a few

Jim, Jeff and Joe are having a few beers at the local watering hole….

and seeing as their wives aren’t around to tell the REAL truth, they start talking about what happens when they get in an argument. 

“Well, when Jessica and I get in an argument about what to watch on TV, I tell her I bought the damn TV so I get to pick what we watch and when we watch it!” Jim exclaims.

“Yup, when I come home, Jordyn damn well better have dinner ready, and it damn well better be what I want, because I’m the one that pays for the food and the kitchen remodel she so desperately wanted!” Jeff states matter-of-factly. 

“Hmm, well when Jennifer and I get in a fight, she usually ends up on her knees!” Joe chuckles. 

“Your full of shit, Joe!” Jim said with a laugh. 

“Yea fuckin right, Joe,” Jeff said huffly. 

“Sure as shit!” Joe said. 

“Well then what happens?” they both asked. 

“Well, then she screams “GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT ME, YOU PUSSY!””

 

 

 

 

The teacher and little Johnny

The teacher and little Johnny

As part of a class language test a teacher asked her primary school class to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

Sarah put her hand up and said “over the weekend we visited my grandfather on his farm, I was fascinated by all the animals he had” 

The teacher replied “That was very good Sarah unfortunately i said ‘fascinate’ not ‘fascinated’ but I like the effort”.

Michelle put her hand up and said “i went to a airport viewing area with my dad, and it was so fascinating seeing all the planes land and take off” 

The teacher, still not pleased, replied “another good effort Michelle but I asked for fascinate not fascinating”

Then little Johnny stretched his hand up as high as he could but yet the teacher still asked for another students to attempt it. With no other students willing to try she said “go ahead little Johnny” 

In which little Johnny said “my aunt Jessica came round to our house for the week end and she has ten buttons on her top but because she so fat she can only fasten eight” 

This is not my joke it was told to me by my step dad

An 11 year old girl realized

An 11 year old girl realized she began to grow hair between her legs.

She immediately got worried and asked her mom about the hair. Her mom calmly replied, 

“That part where the hair is grown is called a monkey. You should be proud your monkey has grown hair!” 

The young girl was excited and went to sleep.

The next morning, the young girl went up to her older sister Jessica during breakfast and exclaimed, 

“Jessie! My monkey has grown hair!” 

Her sister laughed and smiled while she told her, 

“My monkey is already eating bananas.”

A husband and wife are out

A husband and wife are out to dinner

When all of sudden a very attractive young lady comes up and kisses the husband on the cheek, winks, and walks away. 

Naturally, the wife is less than pleased about this

“Who was that?” She asks

“That’s Jessica, my mistress” he replies

As you can imagine, the wife is not happy to hear this, even less so about how upfront he’s being about it.

“You pig”, she says “You don’t even have the decency to try and hide it. I’ll be filling for divorce as soon as I can”

“fine by me if that’s what you want” responds the husband, “just remember that we both signed a prenup, so you’ll be on your own if you do. No more nice cars, big houses or fancy restaurants”

Well as you can imagine the wife is now quite upset. She’s doing her best to look anywhere *except* at her husband, when she notices their neighbors a few tables over, when the same thing happens. A younger woman comes up and kisses the husband right in front of the wife.

She asks her husband “who was that at Rob and Jill’s table?”

He looks over, “Oh, that’s his mistress”

 

You get what you pay for

You get what you pay for (NSFW/Gross)

A man goes to a brothel and walks up to the clerk at the front desk. The man says “I would like to buy some entertainment for the night.” The clerk replies, “I would recommend Jessica. She is one the 3rd floor, room 7. She is $250 for the night.” The man replies “That’s Outrageous! I can’t pay that!” The clerk then suggests Vanessa on the 2nd floor. He tells the man that she is $150 for the night. The man says “Listen I have $60. That’s all I can pay.” The clerk says “Go down the left hallway here and she will be in the last door to the left.” The man pays and goes to the room. The girl is there and already on the covers naked. She is extremely hot! He rips his pants off and starts going to town. About a 10 seconds in she starts foaming at the mouth and her eyes roll up. The man screams and runs out to the clerk. He tells him what happened. The clerk immediately grabs the phone and makes a call. He says “Yeah, Tony? The dead one’s full again.”

A teenage boy has a hot date

A teenage boy has a hot date for the night

but there is a problem; the kid’s father claims that he has slept with almost every girl in the town they live in and the boy doesn’t want to date someone that has slept with his father. 

So, the boy confronts his dad and asks if he has slept with his hot date.

“Sure, tell me her name and I’ll let you know if I’ve slept with her.”

“Her name is Sally Jenson, she lives down the street.”

The boy’s father rubs his chin for a few seconds in contemplation, “hmmm no, I’m sorry, son, I don’t remember if i have slept with her. But if you bring me a strand of her hair I’m sure I’ll be able to remember.”

The boy looks at his father in confusion but says he’ll get a piece of her hair while on the date that night. 

After the date, the boy returns home with the piece of Sally’s hair and gives it to his father.

The father takes the hair and smells it “ohhhh yesss sweet Sally Jenson..yes..I’m sorry son, I slept with this girl about a month ago.”

The boy is somewhat disappointed but not really surprised. “Well, how about Jessica Watson? Another girl I go to school with that I would like to date”

The father thinks about the name for a few seconds and again says that he doesn’t remember her by name but suggests that his son bring him a locket of her hair. The boy obliges and comes home the next day after school with a piece of Jessica’s hair.

The father quickly takes it and smells it, “Yeah! oh yeah! I remember this one! Beautiful Jessica, boy, was she great in the sack!”

The boy is somewhat confused, “but dad, Jessica just turned 18 a couple of weeks ago”

The father agrees, “yes, I’m sorry son, I slept with this young woman last week.”

At this point the boy is more than a little skeptical of his father’s stories and decides to go in the bathroom and pull out one of his ass hairs to give to his father in an attempt to trick him into telling a lie.

The boy gives his father the ass hair and his father smells it meanwhile having quite the perplexed look on his face “hmmmm, this is strange.” his father smells the hair one more time ” I’ve got good news son! I didn’t sleep with this one, I slept with the mother!”

Last’s nights assignmen

Last’s nights assignment was to write down as

many sex positions as you could think of.

Teacher: Class, how many did you come up with?

All the student came up with 4 or 5 with the exception of Little Johnny who came up with 75. They started with Little Jessica who was at the top of the alphabetical list.

Little Jessica shyly said: Um, I only could think of one. The missionary position.

Little Johnny then shouts: 76!