A male driver is pulled over by a cop

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What’s the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. 

Man: No sir, I was going 65. 

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.) 

Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. 

Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light! 

Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks. 

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.) 

Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. 

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. 

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. 

Man: Shut your mouth, woman! 

Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way? 

Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.

A man hired a lawyer when he got sued

A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“

And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.

A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their intestines?”

Teacher: If there are 6 apples and you take away 4

Teacher: If there are 6 apples and you take away 4, how many do you have?
John: The four you took

Teacher: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
Peter: No time at all it is already built.

Teacher: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Rose: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.

A son argued with his father

A son argued with his father insisting that 1 + 1 was equal to 11.

The father looked at the son and said: go and buy 2 boiled eggs. The son went and returned with the two eggs.

The father said, Give one to me and the other to your brother,
And the son asks: What about mine?

The father responds: eat the nine eggs that are left… Stubborn child!!!

Three guys are flying

Three guys are flying over a desert in a hot air balloon. They see a man below and yell at him, “Do you know where we are?”

The man thinks about it for a long time and when they’re nearly out of earshot, yells after them, “You’re in a balloon.”

“That was a mathematician,” says one of the aviators. “Why?” asks another. „Because it took him a hell of a long time, the answer is perfectly correct and yet its practical value is zero.”

A guy spends the night drinking in a bar

A guy spends the night drinking in a bar.

When he finally leaves at 4:30, he immediately falls over. He crawls for a while, then tries to get back up, falls, crawls, gets back up.

On an on he goes on doing this until he finally gets home. There he falls in his bed and promptly starts snoring.

In the morning, his wife sighs, ‘you’ve been drinking again, Joe, haven’t you?’

‘How on Earth could you guess that, darling?’

‘You went and left the wheelchair at the bar again!!!’

I found my wife hanging

I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic.

There was a note saying, “I really can’t stand your criticsm any longer!”

I quickly cut the rope and reanimated her. Thankfully I could bring her back to life.

As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said, “Come on, that’s not how you spell criticism.”

Why did you two split up?

“Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?”

“She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister’s!”

“So? Maybe she was.”

“Yeah, no way. I was the whole night at her sister’s!”

A priest falls into water

A priest falls into water and soon starts to drown. But his faith in God is strong and he knows God will save him.

A small boat rows to him and offers help. “No! God will help me, thank you!” gasps the priest and continues drowning.

A second, bigger boat comes by soon and tries to get the man out of the water. “No!” fights the priest. “God alone will save me!” The boat leaves and the priest finally drowns.

In heaven, he feels quite betrayed and goes to ask God about it.

“Well, you moron,” thunders the Lord, “and who do you think sent all those ships?!”

A drunk guy stumbles into a bar

A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says, „Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!“

A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well, I don’t think I’m an idiot at all.”

“Alright,” agrees the guy, “you can go on the left.”