A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.
Why were the Stars Wars released in the sequence of 4,5,6,1,2,3?
Because they were directed by Yoda.
Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.
Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.
They say money doesn’t bring you happiness. Still, it is better to verify things for yourself.
Two fortune tellers meet. First one says, “We’re going to have a hot summer again.” The second one sighs happily: “Yes, it reminds me of the summer in 2092…”
Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?
Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.
Two men are discussing their lives. One says, “I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear.”The other one says, “Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons.”
What is brown, small, and smells of caramel?
A diabetic who’s been struck by lightning.
Waiter: “Yes, sir, we are very up to date. Everything here is cooked by electricity.”
Diner: “I wonder if you would mind giving this steak another shock?”
An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, “Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the operator.
“No you dumbass! It’s her husband!”
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.
I told my dad that he should embrace his mistakes. He had tears in his eyes. Then he hugged my sister and me.
I used to believe that the brain was the most important organ. But then I thought, hey, look who’s telling me that.
What’s a state clerk’s favorite day of the week?
Tuesday. There’s no point starting anything new so shortly before the weekend.
Me: “Do you think it’s strange to talk to yourself?”
Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets. They do so within groups of 40.
A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.
“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”
“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”
“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their intestines?”
Pessimist: “Things just can’t get any worse!”
Optimist: “Nah, of course they can!”
How can they call it “Alcoholics Anonymous” when the first thing you do is you stand up and say,
‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’?
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
She wanted to stretch her legs.
Prayer: Don’t give God instructions — just report for duty!
If God is your co-pilot – swap seats
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What do birds give out on Halloween?
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”
Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman. A good example: “I used a who
I’ve always thought I will discover my inner self through some eastern philosophies, not because of a stupid single-ply toilet paper from Walmart!
Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue. I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.”
Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
Teacher: If there are 6 apples and you take away 4, how many do you have?
John: The four you took
Teacher: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
Peter: No time at all it is already built.
Teacher: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Rose: It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
If you had only one match, and entered a dark room containing an oil lamp, some newspaper, and some kindling wood, which would you light first?
Answer: The match.
A son argued with his father insisting that 1 + 1 was equal to 11.
The father looked at the son and said: go and buy 2 boiled eggs. The son went and returned with the two eggs.
The father said, Give one to me and the other to your brother,
And the son asks: What about mine?
The father responds: eat the nine eggs that are left… Stubborn child!!!
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells!
I’m dating this wonderful girl and she has a twin. People often ask me how I can tell them apart – but it’s easy, really. Jane likes to paint her fingernails and Tom has a willie.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
Three guys are flying over a desert in a hot air balloon. They see a man below and yell at him, “Do you know where we are?”
The man thinks about it for a long time and when they’re nearly out of earshot, yells after them, “You’re in a balloon.”
“That was a mathematician,” says one of the aviators. “Why?” asks another. „Because it took him a hell of a long time, the answer is perfectly correct and yet its practical value is zero.”
A guy spends the night drinking in a bar.
When he finally leaves at 4:30, he immediately falls over. He crawls for a while, then tries to get back up, falls, crawls, gets back up.
On an on he goes on doing this until he finally gets home. There he falls in his bed and promptly starts snoring.
In the morning, his wife sighs, ‘you’ve been drinking again, Joe, haven’t you?’
‘How on Earth could you guess that, darling?’
‘You went and left the wheelchair at the bar again!!!’
I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic.
There was a note saying, “I really can’t stand your criticsm any longer!”
I quickly cut the rope and reanimated her. Thankfully I could bring her back to life.
As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said, “Come on, that’s not how you spell criticism.”
“Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?”
“She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister’s!”
“So? Maybe she was.”
“Yeah, no way. I was the whole night at her sister’s!”
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?
I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.
You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you’re going to pay.
You have my Word!
What’s a state clerk’s favourite day of the week?
Tuesday. There’s no point starting anything new so shortly before the weekend.
I played our wedding video backwards yesterday. It really cheered me up to see how I take the ring off my wife’s finger, get out of the church and go drinking with my best friends.
A priest falls into water and soon starts to drown. But his faith in God is strong and he knows God will save him.
A small boat rows to him and offers help. “No! God will help me, thank you!” gasps the priest and continues drowning.
A second, bigger boat comes by soon and tries to get the man out of the water. “No!” fights the priest. “God alone will save me!” The boat leaves and the priest finally drowns.
In heaven, he feels quite betrayed and goes to ask God about it.
“Well, you moron,” thunders the Lord, “and who do you think sent all those ships?!”
Waiter? I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this. Would you be so kind and pack it for me? To take away?
But sir, this is a buffet.
Pack it up I said!“
A drunk guy stumbles into a bar and says, „Those to my left you are all jerks. Those to my right, you are all idiots!“
A tall, muscular guy slowly stands up, puts on his cowboy hat and quietly says to the guy, “Well, I don’t think I’m an idiot at all.”
“Alright,” agrees the guy, “you can go on the left.”
A well-known hunter was once asked if it was true that the jungle predators will never attack a person carrying a lit torch. “That is true,” he responded, “but it does depend at what speed you are carrying that torch.”