A husband and wife are drinking wine at home. The wife says, “I love you.” The husband asks if that is her or the wine talking. She replies, “It’s me talking to the wine.”
I was married by a judge. Little did I know that I should have asked for a jury too.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Norma Lee. Norma Lee, who? Norma Lee I don’t say this, but I think that I am falling for you.
Let’s commit the perfect crime together. I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
I don’t know your name yet, but it must be Wi-Fi because I am feeling such a strong connection here.
“I’m addicted to ‘Yes’, and I’m allergic to ‘No’. So what’s it gonna be?”
“Why are supermodels 14-years-old?”
Say in a hushed tone, “If you turn me down, then I am gonna tell NASA that you are smoking hot and the real cause of global warming.”
When you are in love, it is the most glorious two and a half days of one’s entire life.
Love is a condition of temporary insanity. And the only available cure for this sickness is marriage.
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day? Yes, it is February 14th.
“I wish these male comics would stop doing impressions of me sounding like a fucking idiot”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Muffin. Muffin, who? Muffin in this world can keep us apart.
“You must go and see a doctor lady! (Girl – why?) You have ‘BEAUTY’ all over your face!”
Romantic love is a mental illness, but it is a pleasurable one.
A husband was looking at himself in the mirror and asked his wife, “will you still love me when I am old, fat, and bald?” She replied, “I do.”
Love is when I walk to the other side of the classroom to sharpen my pen just so I can see her. And then I realize that I am holding a pen.
Have you ever been fishing before? I only ask because I really think that we should hook up.
I’m like a Rubik’s cube. The more you play with me, the harder I get, baby.
“Girl, you are so delightful, cheerful, and bright, you can make Batman rent an apartment and abandon his cave!”
There’s something wrong with my bed. [What?]
Marriage is an incredible invention, but then again so is the toaster.
I love you with all my butt. I would say my heart, but it is just not as big.
“Have you ever been to the moon?” (Girl – no) “Wow, me neither. Gosh, we are so alike!”
You must be a Snickers bar. [Why?]
Love is a lot like peeing in your pants. Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.
“Hi, I am Phillips Adam Shankman. How about we take a walk to remember and make things better!”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ben. Ben, who? Been thinking about you all day.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Honeydew. Honeydew, who? Honeydew you know how much I love you?
“Why don’t I make the same amount of money as my male co-workers?”
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
“I sure hope lady, that you know CPR, cos you are taking my breath away!”
Love thy neighbor, but make sure that her husband is away first!
You are like dandruff because I just cannot get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.
When a man marries a woman, it is the highest compliment that he can pay her, and it is usually the last.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Harry. Harry, who? Harry up and kiss me!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Pauline. Pauline, who? I think I’m Pauline in love with you.
“I’m drinking a vodka and soda because you are clearly only attracted to skinny girls”
What did one volcano say to the other volcano? I lava you.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cynthia. Cynthia, who? Cynthia you went away, I have been missing you so much.
“Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I pass by you again?”
“My doc said that I can never have arrhythmia. But your presence is sure proving him wrong!”
LOVE stands for Loss Of Valuable Energy.
The husband said that he was always jealous of the older men with much younger and prettier wives and he wished for a wife who was 20 years younger than him. So the fairy waved her wand and granted his wish. But imagine the man’s shock when he opened his eyes to find that he was 20 years older!
“I think I am gonna buy a Polar Bear.” (Girl – why?) “I am gonna use it to break the ice between us!”
“If you were Christmas, I would be the Grinch who stole you!”
“If grapes make skin beautiful, then you must be living in a vineyard!”
“I’m eating yoghurt because you gave me a fucking yeast infection!”
The woman was hungry for love and had no idea where her next male was coming from.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I pass by you again?
Do you know about the concept of Newton’s law? It states that for every idiot, there is an equal and opposite idiot. They are called husband and wife.
I want to spend the rest of my life trying to get out of debt with you.
Can you fix my cell phone? [What’s wrong with it?]
Women can fake an orgasm, while men can fake a whole relationship.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Canoe. Canoe, who? Canoe give me a big kiss?
You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body. In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!
“If you were a phone of Apple, then you would be called iGorgeous!”
I have not spoken to my wife in quite a few years. I just did not want to interrupt her.
You must be an interior decorator because when you walked in the room was suddenly beautiful and perfect!
Are you familiar with that tingly feeling that you get in your body when you start to develop feelings for someone? That feeling is actually all of your common sense leaving your body.
It is said that in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the wife listens. During the second year of the marriage, the wife speaks and the husband listens. And on the third year of marriage, both the husband and wife speak and the neighbors listen.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Anita. Anita, who? Anita kiss from you.
Have you ever been to Antarctica?
The funniest joke of all time is my love life.
An older husband and wife were sitting together at home when a fairy appeared before them and offered to grant each of them a wish. The wife, who had always wanted to visit Paris, wished for tickets to Paris and the fairy granted the wish with a wave of her wand. A pair of plane ticket to Paris magically appeared in the wife’s hand. Then it was the husband’s turn to make a wish.
You are like my asthma. You just take my breath away.
A woman made the decision to break off her recent engagement and her friend said, “what happened? I thought it was love at first sight!” To which the woman replied, “but the second and third ones changed my mind.”
I’ll make you a deal. [What?]
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor? Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Juno. Juno, who. Juno that you’re the love of my life?
Hold out your hand and say, “Would you be kind enough to hold this while I go out for a walk?”
You’re so stunning that I just forgot my pick up line.
The voice of love seemed to call me, and then I realized that it was a wrong number.
“Girl, I know what you did last summer. Wanna do something similar this winter?”
You’re as sweet as Skittles and I want to taste the rainbow.
An archaeologist is definitely the best husband a woman could ever have. The reason for this is because the older she gets, the more he will be interested in her.
You cannot buy love, but you can still pay heavily for it.
I must be hunting treasure because I’m digging your chest.
“What are you doing this evening?” (Girl – nothing) “Let’s do nothing together then!”
“Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?”
I love you today more than I did yesterday. And that is because you really ticked me off yesterday.
There is a special place where a man can touch a woman that will make her go crazy. Her heart.
My wife is definitely a sex object in that every time I ask her for sex, she objects.
Do you want to know why I plan on no longer using Google anymore? Because after all this time that I have spent searching, I have found the love of my life and it is you.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Luke. Luke, who? Luke into my eyes and tell me that you love me.
“Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.”
Love is not having to hold in your gas anymore.
My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
“Girl, will you stop getting any hotter? You are killing the poor thermometer!”
My next drink is on you! [Why?]
Knock, knock. Who’s there? I love. I love, who? I love you too!
A husband was throwing knives at his wife’s photo and missing the target. All of a sudden, she called to ask what he was doing. His reply was, “I am missing you.”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Snow. Snow, who? Snow use, I just can’t stop thinking about you.
Did you hear about the porcupine who was near-sighted? He fell in love with a pincushion.
You can fall from the sky and you can fall from a tree, but the best way for you to fall is to fall in love with me.
A man and women were getting married in a courthouse. As they were leaving the courtroom, the bride said to the groom, “Isn’t it nice to be here when we’re not being convicted of something?”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive, who? Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it.
Can I borrow a kiss from you? I promise you that I will give it back.
I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Candice. Candice, who? Candice be love that I am feeling right now?
I’ll give you a kiss and f you don’t like it, you can return it.
Falling in love is like going deep into a river. It is much easier to get in it than it is to get out of it.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Churchill. Churchill, who? Churchill be the best place for a wedding.
Let’s name your legs Thanksgiving and Christmas and I’ll visit between the holidays.
The brain is the most impressive organ in our whole body. From the day you are born, it works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, right up until you fall in love.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Leena. Leena, who? Leena little closer so I can kiss you!
I have been happily and blissfully married for 5 years…out of a total of 20.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Mary. Mary, who? Mary me, and I will love you forever.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Frank. Frank, who? Frank you for loving me.
Love is like having to pass gas. If you force, then you are going to make a mess.
Love is getting mad at someone, telling that person to go to hell, and hoping that they get there safely.
“Do you mind not yelling about my boobs while I”m walking down the street?”
Say with a careless tone, “Lady, you better direct that beauty somewhere else or you’ll set the bar on fire.”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Guinevere. Guinevere, who? Guinevere going to get married?
I just fell over and injured myself when I saw you!
Why do men like to fall in love at first sight? Because doing so saves them a lot of money.
My husband is of the opinion that I am absolutely crazy. But if he is the one who decided to get married to me, then that makes him even crazier than I am.
It is very important to have a woman who can cook, clean, and take care of the kids. And it is just as important to have a woman who can keep you happy in bed. And most of all, it is important that these two women never meet.
Why do painters always fall for their models? Because they love them with all of their art.
Did I tell you that the girl I have been seeing works at the zoo? I think she’s a keeper.
Our love will never become cold and hollow unless one day you refuse to swallow.
Do you want to know why my husband and I will never ever need a marriage counselor? He majored in communications in college and I majored in theater. So he communicates with me a lot and I always make the effort to pretend to listen.
I always like to let my wife know who the boss is in this house. And I do that by holding a mirror up to her face.
What is the difference between love and herpes? Love does not last forever.
When a man goes and steals your wife, the best revenge that you can have is to let him keep her.
You are like my dentures. I cannot smile without you.
Marriage comes with no guarantees, so if that is what you are looking for, then you are better off buying a car battery.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive, who? Olive you so, so much!
We must both be subatomic particles because I feel this strong force between the two of us.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Eyesore. Eyesore, who? Eyesore do love you a lot.
Why should you never marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Keith. Keith, who? Keith me, my love!
“Hi there, miss! How about doing some community work by sparing some space for the needy? Let’s move in together!”
One day, a husband told his wife that her rear end was getting so big that it was as big as their grill. Later that night, he tried to get intimate with her in bed only for the wife to reply, “do you really think that I am going to fire up this grill for just one little weenie?”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Will. Will, who? Will you marry me?
A girl asked her boyfriend if he would still love her after marriage. He replied, “that depends on what your husband will think.”
“Stop letting men in entertainment stereotype me”
If I had a nickel for every girl I had ever seen who was as gorgeous as you are, I’d have… 5 cents.
I saw you and dropped mine.
What did one boat say to the other boat? Are you interested in a little row-mance?
Why are men with pierced ears much better candidates for getting married? Because they have bought jewelry and have suffered greatly.
If I have to choose between men and shoes, I will choose shoes. They tend to last longer.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Pauline. Pauline, who? I’m Pauline in love with you more and more each day.
I’m a lot shorter than this in reality but I’m just sitting on my billfold.
Do you know what the big difference is between love and marriage? Love is the sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Aldo. Aldo, who? Aldo anything to make you happy.
My boyfriend and I met on the internet. My mother asked him what line he used on me and my boyfriend replied, “I just used a modem.”
“I wish men didn’t expect me to be skinny, gorgeous and sexy and then make fun of me for the effort it takes”
Before you decide to make the commitment to marry a person, you should have them use a computer with a very slow internet connection so they can show you who they truly are.
“Am I cute enough yet or do you need more of those vodkas?”
What happened to the two vampires who went on their first date? It was love at first bite!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Halibut. Halibut, who? Halibut a kiss for me?
Do you have a bandage? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
What is the main difference between love and marriage? Love is blind. Marriage, on the other hand, is the eye opener.
On a scale of 1 to 10, you are the only 1 for me.
“I wish I wasn’t the only female writer on this tv show”
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ivana. Ivana, who? Ivana spend the rest of my life with you.
For some reason, your number isn’t in it.
What is the ideal marriage? One that is between a spouse that is deaf and a spouse that is blind.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see.