Enjoy the Dirty Jokes and One liners, No Need to worry just enjoy and leave all your stress in the junk box… Checkout the blow nasty jokes and one liners-
- Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good and fun until you realize you are only f***ing yourself!
- “I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy goes, ‘So you can put it up yourself?’ I said, ‘No, I was thinking the living room.” – Gary Delaney
- I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!” Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”
- I got a DVD on how to improve your foreplay. I had to fast-forward through the boring bit at the beginning. – Gary Delaney
- “A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum!'” – Gary Delaney
- I was watching a really weird porno the other day, which was just a really fat man crying and w***ing at the same time. Then I realised I hadn’t turned the telly on. – Gary Delaney
- “What do you call a video of two toads having sex? Frogspawn.” – David Ephgrave
- I’ve currently got a stalker. But you probably can’t tell in these trousers. – Gary Delaney
- “The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.” – Sarah Millican
- “One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it’s b***ocks.” – Billy Connolly
- The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex-tape. Obviously, they don’t know that yet… – Gary Delaney
- I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.
- I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
- I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
- Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”
- Do you need a stud in your life? Cause I got the STD and all I need is U.
- I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time that she’s just going to scream and run out of the park. – Gary Delaney
- I took a Viagra the other day. It got caught in my throat and all I ended up with was a stiff neck.
- Are you a termite? Cause you’re about to have a mouth full of wood.
- If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
- I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
- Are you my new boss? Because you just gave me a raise.
- “Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.” – Billy Connolly
- I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day. Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean. – Gary Delaney
- My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.
- “I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys w***ing. Then I went to watch the crocodiles. I was still w***ing.” – Gary Delaney
- “Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.’” – Jimmy Carr
- I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me.
- Let’s play carpenter. First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.
- “My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.” – Jimmy Carr
- Sex on TV can’t hurt… unless you fall off.
- “I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup – just happy to be there.” – Russell Howard
- Masturbation always leads to sex. It’s a gateway tug.
- My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the bonnet of her Honda. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
- I saw a dildo the other day described as “nine inches long and realistic”. I thought, “Well, which is it?” – Gary Delaney
- When at the supermarket, I always pick the cashier who’s most likely to have sex with me. Always end up at self-checkout.
- I’m trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.
- “Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.” – Peter Kay
- The best way to make your wife scream during sex is to ring her up and tell her where you are.
- Is your name Tanya? Cuz I’m gonna tan ya ass.
- I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I’d like a bag. I said “no, I’ll just turn the lights off.”
- “Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” – Frankie Boyle
- The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup. I said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”
- “You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.” – Sara Pascoe
- A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.
- A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, “Depends what’s in it for me.”
- Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
- An Australian kiss – the same as a French kiss, but down under.
- I may not go down in history, but I’ll go down on you.
- Do you want to come to my time machine? We stop somewhere between ’68 and ’70
- “Not all sexual experiences have to be filled with anger. Just all in my experience.” – David Mitchell
- “I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.” – Victoria Wood
- 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
- Love is like a machine… sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.
- I just found an origami porn channel, but it’s paper view only.