Just like an untrained puppy. I’d really like to take you out.
I’m really good at people-watching. I’m so glad I can share that hobby on you.
A duck walks into a bar.
It asks the barkeeper: “Do you have bread?”
Duck: “Do you have bread?”
Duck: “Do you…”
Bartender: “LISTEN! I HAVE NO BREAD AND IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME, I’M GONNA NAIL YOU TO THAT WALL!!!”
Duck: “Do you have nails?”
Duck: “Do you have bread?”
Q: Why do dogs like conjunctions?
A: They just love buts.
Did you invent the airplane? Cause you seem Wright for me
You’re smarter than Google and Mary Poppins combined.
You make everything better. If people were more like you the world would be perfect.
Do I know you? Cause you look just like my next girlfriend
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
Q: What did the ice-cream say to the grumpy birthday cake?
A: What’s eating you?
We threw our friend Jessica a surprise bukkake party….
Should have see the look on her face.
Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator.
“Get busy living or get busy dying.”
What do you call a bear with extreme mood swings?
– A bi-polar-bear.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
What did the Teddy bear say when he was offered a second helping?
“No thanks; I’m already stuffed!”
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Deciding to wash his sweatshirt, a husband asked his wife: “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”
“University of Oklahoma.”
Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar
The bartender says “Why the long face?”
When I’m old and mankey.
I’ll never use a hanky.
I’ll wee on plants.
and soil my pants!
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can’t carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, ’tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
What do you call an Italian suppository?
A chemistry froze itself at -272,15 °C
We all think that he is dead, but in reality he is 0K.
I’m not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together
My chemistry teacher asked me if I knew anything about sodium hypobromite.
I replied, “NaBrO”
I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad.
Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse.
Out of all my friends you are the best at being single.
Do you want to hear a chemistry joke?
You might not like it though because last time I got no reaction.
Even if you were cloned, you’d still be one of a kind. And the better looking one.
it’s not easy to be me. Which is why I need you.
You inspire me and most likely strangers. Also, friends and stalkers. You are the inspiration to many.
If there is one thing I like about you, its that I like more than one thing about you.
Your face makes other people ugly.
You are awkward, in a cute way. Like an elevator ride, but with puppies.
Every day without you is like a day without my phone, I just don’t know what to do with myself.
If the last two people on earth were us, I would have no problem repopulating it with you.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Q: Why do dogs make terrible dance partners?
A: They’ve got two left feet!
My husband said he wanted more space.
So I locked him outside.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
How can you tell a pirate has fallen for modern technology?
It’s the iPatch that gives it away.
Q: What looks like a dog, eats dog food, lives in a doghouse, and is very dangerous?
A: A dog with a machete.
Husband: “Want a quickie?”
Wife: “As opposed to what?
What does an Italian have when one arm is shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control, because I just saw a fox!
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call fine print
Deciding to throw a fortieth birthday party for his wife, a man ordered a huge cake from the bakery. Over the phone he said: “The message I want is ‘You are not getting older, you are getting better.'”
The baker’s assistant said: “That’s a lot of words. How should we arrange it?”
After a moment’s thought, the man said: “Put ‘You are not getting older’ at the top, ‘You are getting better’ at the bottom.”
OK,” said the assistant, making a note of the inscription to give to the baker.
Come the day of the party, friends and family travelled from far and wide. At the height of the celebrations, the birthday cake was unveiled. The wife was greatly embarrassed to read the message on it: “You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom.”
A friend asked a woman: “What’s in that locket, a memento of some sort?”
“Yes,” replied the woman. “It’s a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But your husband is still alive!”
“I know, but his hair’s all gone.”