The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon Little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
“It’s a period” reported Johnny.
“Well I can see that” she said. “but what is so exciting about a period.”
“Damned if I know” said Johnny, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”
I asked little Johnny, ‘What would you like for your birthday?’
He said, ‘Tampons please.’
I said, ‘Tampons!? Why do you want tampons for your birthday!?’
He replied, ‘I saw a great TV ad. With a tampon you can go swimming, biking and skiing.’
Little Johnny asks his mum, “Mum, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time in a faraway land’?”
“No darling,” says his mother, somewhat distressed, “Sometimes, they can begin with ‘I’ve got too much work in the office tonight, I’ll come home later’.”
Little Johnny plays “shoot the apple from the head” with his friends. The first shot lands directly in his eye. “Ooowww man, you got me right in the eye!” he complains to his friend.
But the other friend also wants a go and persuades Johnny that he is a much better shot. But bingo, the second shot gets Johnny in the other eye.
Johnny gives up: “Well I’ve had it with this game, I’m going home. Mom said I should come back once it gets dark anyway.”
After Sunday school, the teacher released the kids to go to church and reminded them, “You all know to be very nice and quiet in the church. And why is that?”
Little Johnny offers, “Miss, it’s so we wouldn’t wake all those people sleeping.”
During an English lesson, the teacher asks, “Can anyone give me an example for the word ‘COINCIDENCE’?”
Little Johnny volunteers, “Sir, my mum and dad were married on the same day.”
Miss Taylor the English teacher writes an incorrect sentence on the board: “I didn’t had no fun for months.” Then she faces the class and says, “OK class, how should this be corrected?”
Little Johnny says, “I think you should get yourself a better man!”
History teacher asks Little Johnny: Where was the French – English peace treaty from 1800 signed?
Little Johnny: “Bottom right corner.”
Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard him say:
“One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two.”
“Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four.”
“Three and three”
His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him. His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.
The next day she stormed into Little Johnny’s classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. She told her about Little Johnny’s different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.
The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn’t understand why Little Johnny had said that. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, “Oh, I know, here in school we say: one and one, the sum-of-which is two!”
Little Johnny to his mom: “I shot 4 goals at the soccer match today!”
Mom: “Wonderful, looks like your team won, right?”
Little Johnny: “Not really, we played 2:2.”