Three guys are flying over a desert in a hot air balloon. They see a man below and yell at him, “Do you know where we are?”
The man thinks about it for a long time and when they’re nearly out of earshot, yells after them, “You’re in a balloon.”
“That was a mathematician,” says one of the aviators. “Why?” asks another. „Because it took him a hell of a long time, the answer is perfectly correct and yet its practical value is zero.”
A guy spends the night drinking in a bar.
When he finally leaves at 4:30, he immediately falls over. He crawls for a while, then tries to get back up, falls, crawls, gets back up.
On an on he goes on doing this until he finally gets home. There he falls in his bed and promptly starts snoring.
In the morning, his wife sighs, ‘you’ve been drinking again, Joe, haven’t you?’
‘How on Earth could you guess that, darling?’
‘You went and left the wheelchair at the bar again!!!’
I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic.
There was a note saying, “I really can’t stand your criticsm any longer!”
I quickly cut the rope and reanimated her. Thankfully I could bring her back to life.
As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said, “Come on, that’s not how you spell criticism.”
“Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?”
“She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night at her sister’s!”
“So? Maybe she was.”
“Yeah, no way. I was the whole night at her sister’s!”
What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?
I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.
You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you’re going to pay.
You have my Word!
What’s a state clerk’s favourite day of the week?
Tuesday. There’s no point starting anything new so shortly before the weekend.
I played our wedding video backwards yesterday. It really cheered me up to see how I take the ring off my wife’s finger, get out of the church and go drinking with my best friends.
A priest falls into water and soon starts to drown. But his faith in God is strong and he knows God will save him.
A small boat rows to him and offers help. “No! God will help me, thank you!” gasps the priest and continues drowning.
A second, bigger boat comes by soon and tries to get the man out of the water. “No!” fights the priest. “God alone will save me!” The boat leaves and the priest finally drowns.
In heaven, he feels quite betrayed and goes to ask God about it.
“Well, you moron,” thunders the Lord, “and who do you think sent all those ships?!”
Waiter? I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this. Would you be so kind and pack it for me? To take away?
But sir, this is a buffet.
Pack it up I said!“