To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet – you can hide, but you can’t run.
Hedgehogs, eh? Why can’t they just share the hedge?
I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.
I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“What is worse than ants in your pants? Uncles”
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.